It all started when Eliphalet Remington designed his now-famous rifle back in the early 1800s. This somehow led through typewriter manufacture and into personal grooming products, though we’re not totally clear on how that happened. It seems like somewhere along the way they were making cowboy sculptures, too. Anyway, it’s probably an epic tale, the tale of the Remington name, however it goes.

Who cares if we’re fuzzy on some of the details? After all, it was a long time ago. But there’s one thing we absolutely MUSTN’T be fuzzy on, any of us: Our faces.

Nothing says “I am not an animal” quite like a smooth, razor-burnt cheek, fashionably denuded of its coarse, bristly thatch. That’s what the ladies like, and what George Steinbrenner likes, too. Why? Because a good, close shave gives a man a look of honesty, prosperity, civilization, and proper hygiene. It suggests that he has reached a level of professional development where he is no longer required to fell trees. And it decreases the likelihood that morsels of his lunch will still be riding around on his face an hour after he eats.

For anyone who wants to keep himself (or herself, hey, whatever) free of facial fur, there’s no finer depilatory implement than Remington’s rotary microflex shaver. It’s got a sharp titanium-coated twin blade that spins fully 25% faster than that of any other rotary shaver, which at first doesn’t make it sound like something you would want to press against your face, but it actually decreases irritation, so.

When you’re done, just rinse your shaver clean and start enjoying the fresh air and sunlight on your more youthful-looking mug!

“But Woot!” you say, maybe: “I can’t shave my beard! It protects my face from chapping in the winter wind!” Or “I’ve got a weak chin!” Or “I’m Orthodox!” Or “it’s the playoffs!” Or “I’m Abraham Lincoln!”

The excuses are almost innumerable, but we’ve only got one response for all of them. Well, all of them besides the Abe Lincoln one. If you tell us you’re Abe Lincoln, we will tell you you’re lying. But to all the rest of you who will not prune your prickly pusses, we say this:

OK, that’s cool. It’s none of our business.

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