This is the year! I’m finally going to do it! A new year, a new me! And I ain’t just talkin’ about taking off a couple extra pounds. I’m totally re-engineering my body, Jared style. In fact, not even. ‘Cause Jared isn’t ripped. All Jared is is not fat. I’m gonna be pumped. That’s right, I may look like Frederick Dukes now, but by December, I’ll be Cain Marko.

I’ve already eaten like two cases of energy bars this month, so I’m off to a pretty great start.

I don’t care how hard it is, I’m gonna do it! And my Reebok Precision Trainer XT Heart Rate Monitor is gonna help. It’s bike-mountable, so I can use it for spinning sessions. Its user mode will automatically generate my fitness index and calculate my calorie count and the fat I’ve burned. Ahmina write all that stuff down, man, in my sweat-warped workout log. It’s gonna be like the training sequence from a Rocky movie. Running. Lifting. Drinking raw eggs. Monitoring the data from my Reebok Precision Trainer. Chopping wood.

Only problem: The instructions on this thing stipulate that when I strap it on, I need to “avoid areas with dense chest hair.” That’s going to be a problem for me, since I’m hairy like Harry and the Hendersons, man. Ancient transgressors of Mosaic Law who were put to death by stoning for giving their children to Molech didn’t get pelted like I am.

Oh, well. While I’m working on transforming my body from schlubby to shapely, I guess a thorough body waxing couldn’t hurt. I mean—it could really hurt, but—you know what I mean.

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