Notes from a top-secret emergency meeting of the Exalted Brotherhood of Annoying Fast-Food Mascots. Names have been changed to protect the innocent (i.e., us) from a lawsuit.

Burger Clown with Pointy Hat: Thanks everybody for coming, blah blah blah. Now listen: we have a situation here. The RCA DRC8060N DVD Recorder may seem like any other DVD recorder, taking video from TV, video cameras, or other video sources and putting it on DVD+R/RW discs. With its HD upconversion, it can feed DVD-quality video and audio to any HDMI-equipped TV, and it also features a USB port to connect to an MP3 player or digital camera or whatever. Sounds wonderful, right?

Burger Clown with Red Wig: It sure does! Good fun plus good friends equals good times!

Burger Clown with Pointy Hat: There’s just one problem. The “Commercial Advance” feature detects and automatically hides TV commercials on playback. The viewer doesn’t even have to push a button. What it does is, it sets chapter markers at the beginning and end of each commercial break, and then marks those chapters as “hidden.” Frankly, this makes the Fast Forward massacre of the ‘80s look like a trip to the salad bar. The disaster we’ve always feared has come to pass. We have to respond, gentlemen.

Burger Babe on a Mechanical Bull: And women.

Burrito Dog: Y perros, tambien.

Burger Clown with Red Wig: Maybe if we just ask nicely and explain how much our commercials mean to us, everyone will still watch them. Sharing and caring are fun! It’s always a sunny day when you wear a sunny smile!

Burger Clown with Pointy Hat: And if that doesn’t work?

Burger Clown with Red Wig: We track down a few of these bastards and break their thumbs.

Burger Clown with Pointy Hat: Now you’re thinking. Your Majesty, did you have anything to add?

Burger Monarch: ...

Burger Clown with Pointy Hat: Uh, thanks a lot for that insight, your highness. Fascinating as always. Can you put on a pair of sunglasses or something? You’re freaking me out.

Burrito Dog: ¡Ay, señor! You make too beeg a deal about thees, I theenk. Maybe thees “Commercial Advance” technology will be – how you say? – eemperfect, the way so many other recorders have tried to skip commercials but failed.

Burger Babe on a Mechanical Bull: I agree. I sure don’t mind if all those creeps out there can’t undress me with their eyes, or smear mayonnaise all over me with their eyes. Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m eating a piece of meat or becoming one. And that mechanical bull is hell on my lumbar region.

Burger Clown with Pointy Hat: That’s easy for you two to say! Your careers are over! I’m still in the game, and I’ve got a family to think about. Do you have any idea how much orthodonture costs for a kid whose mouth doesn’t open? Believe me, the RCA DRC8060N is for real. Sure, Commercial Advance can be fooled sometimes, but then the viewer can just turn it off, re-set the chapter markers to their liking, and hide the commercials anyway. It’s brutal! It’s the worst-case scenario! These commercials are all I got, and if I can’t bring eyeballs to the screen, I got ja- well, you know what I mean. I’m ready to find a few of these RCA DRC8060N owners and employ a little “persuasion”, right now! Are you with me? Are you ready to fight for our right to manipulate and sicken the American public?

Burrito Dog: ¡Sí, señor!

Burger Babe on a Mechanical Bull: Let’s rock!

Burger Clown with Red Wig: I’ll bring the clamps!

Burger Monarch: ...

Burger Babe on a Mechanical Bull: Stop staring at me, you freak.

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