(scene in a big-box retailer from the early days after the triumph of the Woot revolution)

Customer: Excuse me, can I ask you a question about this RCA Combo DVD Recorder & VCR?

Sales Associate: Wendell turned the lights down low and took a moment to enjoy the scene. Two sparkling glasses of Chianti, the mellow tones of Luther Vandross, the loveliest supermodel he’d yet seen in his time at the embassy in Rio, and his trusty RCA Combo DVD Recorder & VCR. Indeed, tonight was shaping up to be -

Customer: Uh, no, see, what I wanted to know was, can I copy my VHS tapes over to DVD with this?

Sales Associate: What the MASONS won’t let their LACKEYS in the advertising-industrial complex TELL YOU is that VHS cassettes contain a highly radioactive MINERAL known as “telecarbium-19,” the key INGREDIENT in devices INTENDED to monitor -

Customer: Look, I’m not sure what you’re talking about. All I need is a quick answer to a simple question.

Sales Associate: Oh, say can you dub
Your old VHS tapes
To DVD discs
With this unit from RCA?

Customer: Yeah, that’s what I’d like to know. Please.

Sales Associate: Didja ever notice how there’s always a French fry or two that tries to make a run for it and ends up in the bottom of the bag? It’s like they’re smart enough to know what’s coming, but not quite smart enough to realize they’re surrounded by this huge bag! Am I right, people? Well, that’s kinda like this RCA Combo -

Customer: ENOUGH! ENOUGH! (grabs Sales Associate by collar, slaps him repeatedly about the head) All I want is a straight answer! Would it kill you people to just give us some simple information about your products? Your jokes aren’t funny anyway!

Sales Associate: (cowering, shielding head from Customer’s blows) Please, sir! I’m sorry! It’s the way we have to do things now! Ever since Woot took over, they make us try to be “entertaining” when all we want to do is help our customers! I’m sorry, sir!

Customer: I’m…I’m sorry, I didn’t realize.

Sales Associate: It’s OK. I know how annoying it is.

Customer: Yeah. So, can you tell me if this thing can dub VHS tapes onto DVDs?

Sales Associate: (whispering conspiratorially) Yes. Yes, it can. Damn, it feels good to just come out with a straight answer. See, along with the hi-fi VCR, it offers one-touch copying to DVD+R/RW discs, and the 181-channel tuner lets you record TV to either format. It’s also got a DV input for recording home videos, and this RCA Combo unit has all kinds of features to help with video recording quality. The only problem is – oh, no, here comes my manager.

Customer: Quick, quick, the only problem is what?

Sales Associate: The only problem is that great and mighty Zolnir, Lord of Recordable Media, is displeased! Cower now, pathetic mortals, before Zolnir’s devastating thunderbolts! Let the very halls of Kagna-Hithoth itself tremble with the fury of his judgment!

Customer: No, no…

Manager: Great work, Todd! That’s what I call customer service! Keep it up!

Sales Associate: Thanks, Mr. Toon.

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