Oy, that computer desk of yours. Look at the state of it. Teetering under the weight of massed papers, magazines, envelopes, and game manuals. Strewn with empty Red Bull cans, crumpled Cheetos bags, and unlabeled, unloved CD-Rs. What is that pizza stone doing there? Didn’t you eat pizza off that, like, three months ago? And then there’s the state of the desk itself, its sad little oak-grain skin peeling away from the particle board skeleton like some kind of cheap prefab leper, its frame teetering so badly the city is considering condemning it.

But hey, you know as well as we do that cleaning and fixing all that crap up would take work. And if you enjoyed work, you wouldn’t be wasting your time reading this right now. Is there any hope? How can the lazy computer enthusiast of today spiff up his (or her, ha ha) workspace? Short of doing anything drastic like working, we mean?

Fortunately, it doesn’t take too much effort to plug the Razer Diamondback 3G Gaming Mouse into an open USB port. Not only will you enjoy 1800-dpi sensitivity, 6400 fps response times, seven programmable buttons, and a scroll wheel with more distinct positions than the Kama Sutra. You’ll also benefit from its shiny, sleek design, with your choice of red or green accent lights. How can anybody concentrate on the squalor of your computer desk with those lights glowing in their face? So clear a space amid those copies of Wired from 2003 and those FINAL NOTICE utility bills. There’s no easier means of sharpening up your workspace than the Razer Diamondback 3G Gaming Mouse.

Except, of course, for a can of gasoline and a match.

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