Hey, federal bureaucrats! We’re pretty sure there’s a war going on, and we vaguely recall a brief mention of some economic trouble between the triple-homicides and five-car pileups on the local news. But when you get a free second, could you do us a solid? See, we know manufacturers aren’t allowed to claim, for instance, that their new trousers contain cheese unless said cheese meets certain standards. Otherwise, it’s “cheese product” or “cheese food” or “cheeze”.

What we want to know is, can you use the heavy tread of the law’s boot to enforce a similar rule with fake environmental claims? For all we know, Razer describes this mouse’s color as “Earth Green” for perfectly innocent reasons. We got no kick against its 1800-dpi sensitivity, 6400 fps response times, or seven programmable buttons. But that whole Earth Green thing could draw in the naive or stupid, who might expect the mouse to be made of bean curd, or run on ground-up cornstalks. And if that consumer happens to be a naive, stupid child, well, the resulting disillusionment is what supervillains are made of. Don’t be surprised if, ten years from now, some maniac threatens to use a new superchemical to burn up all of Earth’s water or something.

But it doesn’t have to be this way. You have the power. The planet hangs in the balance. And someday, our children and ours can run free with their Razer Diamondback mice. The color? Eerth Grynne.

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