ring ring ring

Hello? Oh, hey, customers, how you doing. Oh, hey, thanks! We weren’t sure anyone remembered it was our birthday today. Yeah, you know how it goes, your fourth is just one of those weird ones. Too young for kindergarten but old enough to be talking, everybody’s used to you but you don’t have a real personality yet… yeah, four’s a hard one.

Nah, we didn’t plan anything special. It’s the weekend, man, nobody’s here on weekends anyway. Except The Consumerist, but they just needed a place to crash after last night. They got so trashed. No, we didn’t have a party without you, dude, we just went out. Dude, you’re always here, right? Like, all the time. If we were gonna have a party, we’d invite you. You’re like our best friend in the world, for real. Hey, while we gotcha, you wanna help us out?

Yeah, we know, we know, you were hoping for some Pin The Tail On The Donkey action. But all we’ve got is this Bag of Crap. Dude, seriously, it’s just been piling up in the warehouse. And we just sort of want to relax this birthday. You know, just a quiet day stretched out in front of a big roaring fire as our servers melt down once again. This time we’re gonna make s’mores!

Anyway, thanks for calling. And hey, let’s get together and have some fun, like a post-birthday birthday party. Maybe the week of the 21st? Okay, somewhere in there. And bring some friends, too, it’ll be a blast. Today, though, I think I’m just gonna hang out and enjoy being four. Oh, there are a couple rules I gotta mention too.

1. WHEN YOU ORDER THIS ITEM, YOU’LL GET ONE BAG WITH (up to) THREE CRAPS IN IT.
2. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR SELECTING THE QUANTITY THREE WHEN YOU ORDER.
3. YOU WILL WASTE FREIGHT IF YOU ORDER FEWER THAN THREE.
In return for your money, you’ll get some kind of bag and some quantity of crap. We promise nothing more than that. You should expect even less.

THE HOLY CRAP COMMANDMENTS:

01. Thou shalt not expect thy crap to be especially nice. It’s our birthday, remember. You should be giving us stuff.
02. Thou shalt not whine and complain when some people’s crap turns out to be nicer than yours. We don’t call this crap crap for no reason.
03. Thou shalt take a moment to consider whether you might be better off just not buying this crap. Then take another, and another. If you’re lucky, it’ll be sold out by then.
04. Thou shalt not order just one crap and blame it on our server. We don’t take kindly to bullies who pick on defenseless machines.
05. To paraphrase Stephen Stills, if you don’t get the crap you want, want the crap you get.

That’s about it, so… aw, dude! Teletubbies is on! Listen, we really gotta run. Take care, okay? And thanks again, to all of you. You’ve really made it a great four years. We wouldn’t be here without you. But shut up right now because Tinky Winky’s got a crazy big rabbit and I think he’s gonna throw it at Po. What a great birthday!

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