Thank you, thank you! It’s an honor to be here and to receive such a warm welcome! Get on board, everybody, because we’re going to ride this train all the way to the White House! All right! Who let those dogs out, right? Yeah! Thank you!

Now, there have been some reports in the media this past week – have you guys heard about this? My opponent is trying to make a big deal out of this. They’ve already got a fund-raising letter out. Can you believe that? Even though no court of law has ever convicted me of indecent exposure, even though it’s just my word against that nun’s, my opponent is ready to get out the lynching rope. But that’s Washington for you! Am I right?

And that’s not all. They will stop at nothing to smear me, to tear me down, to destroy a person through personal destruction. As we speak, my campaign is trying to get to the bottom of how several thousand apparently stolen Pinnacle PCTV Remote Kits for Windows Media Center wound up in our Dallas campaign office. Despite my opponent’s talking points, there’s not a single shred of evidence linking me, my campaign, or my close personal friend Fabrizio “Big Fingers” Giambalvo to those remotes.

Like any red-blooded American, I too enjoy controlling my Windows Media Center content from across the room, from music and audiobooks to TV and video. I too dream of a world where every child can listen to their pirated 50 Cent MP3s without having to walk eight feet to their computers. But that certainly does not mean that my operatives hijacked a truck full of Pinnacle PCTV Remote Kits. And I promise you, the American people, that I never planned to fence the stolen remotes and use the proceeds to hire prostitutes to entrap my opponent. The very idea is so absurd, I’m not even going to respond to the charges, except to say that they are false, and my opponent routinely parks in fire zones and cripple spaces.

What? What was that, Harold? Right, right, I mean handicapped spaces. Sorry, my campaign manager has to keep me “on message” sometimes. Handicapped spaces, of course. Let it be said that I have nothing but the utmost respect for the, you know, disabled or handicapped or whatever those people want to be called this week.

In the course of a long, grueling campaign like this, in the heat of a passionate fight for the future of our democracy and the democracy of our future, all of us sometimes misspeak. I had just such an experience recently with a reporter, and my opponent wasted no time in plastering my unintended misstatements all over the news media. But the fact of the matter is, ladies and gentlemen, that even the New York Times agrees that the admiration I expressed for the policies of Adolf Hitler was “limited”. Their words: “limited admiration.” Just because you think somebody did a good job keeping the streets clean doesn’t mean you agree with the more genocidal parts of his platform. But I guess that distinction is a little too complex for the supporters of my opponent to grasp!

My opponent should be ashamed, ashamed of the way this campaign has degenerated into little more than middle-school insults and empty rhetoric. After all, I’m not the one whose mama is so fat, she brushes her teeth with mayonnaise. But I’m confident that voters like you, the good people of America, will see through the other campaign’s juvenile tactics and give them a Wet Willie at the polls. Thank you! Hurrah for America! And don’t stop believin’ about tomorrow!

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