The entire nation has been captivated by the meteoric rise of this charismatic maverick, soaring from nowhere into the national spotlight! Now, the time has come to hear from her in her own voice! America, meet the next USB HDTV receiver of the United States…the Pinnacle PCTV HD Mini Stick!

Theenk you! Theenk you! Theenk you so much!

You know, when Woot plucked me from obscurity to choose me as their product for today, I learned something very important. If you’re not a member of the media’s inside-the-Best-Buy clique, they will relentlessly smear you with vicious attacks like “What features do you offer?” and “Why should people buy you?” They truly have no shame.

So let me tell you a little bit about what small HDTV receivers do. In my several months of testing experience in Pinnacle’s R&D department, I achieved proven results in bringing HDTV reception to any computer with a USB 2.0 port. Literally dozens of computers have been able to watch over-the-air HDTV signals on their honest, hard-working computer monitors thanks to my commitment to being totally awesome. And that number is only going to grow.

Just as sure as I once strangled a polar bear with my bare hands on the way to my daughter’s clarinet recital, I stood up to the forces of weak HDTV reception with my integrated signal booster. I took on the challenging task of receiving unencrypted ClearQAM digital cable. In my infinite coolness, I permitted hard-working PC users to take full advantage of PVR capabilities with the Pinnacle TVCenter Pro software. Can the do-nothing HDTV receivers in Washington say that?

And my built-in slide cap, God love it, protects my USB connector the way I protect my famous recipe for walrus casserole. You might say being a small HDTV receiver is a little like being a USB thumb drive, only with actual TV reception.

But despite my obviously deep experience and impeccable qualifications, the ruthless TV haters and slime merchants persist in assaulting me with vicious questions like “Is it true that sometimes your HDTV reception might be weak depending on how far away the transmitter is?” To these baseless accusations, I respond, “Say what you want about me, but how dare you attack my innocent children?”

That’s right. Be careful. You know the difference between a pit bull and a USB HDTV receiver? A pit bull might actually frighten Vladimir Putin.

You see, I got involved in public life because I feel the Creator has a plan for me, and for you. And that plan is for you to buy as many Pinnacle PCTV HD Mini Sticks as you physically can. I’m blessed that God’s plan happens to be the one that makes me lots of money. But you’ll get easy HDTV viewing on your computer, so stop whining and pay up like God told you to.

Now let’s get out there and take HDTV back for the hard-working PCs of America! Thank you! God bless you! God bless me! God bless America! God bless television! God bless Woot! And God bless God!

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