What’s that acrid odor in the air? Could it be the smell of…excitement? Yes, it’s time again for another installment of “Ask an Incontinent Viking,” the gadget column hosted by Fjafalgnjir the Vexed, an 11th-century Danish warrior transported into a modern world he never made. Fjafalgnjir certainly never expected to be vaulted hundreds of years into the future, nor did he expect to lose control of his bowels in the process. But like any good Viking, he’s soldiered onward, and he’s ready to do battle with your electronics questions.

Q. I have hundreds of hours of home movies taken from the 1980’s through the later 1980’s, all on VHS tape. I’m concerned that this historically important document – including six minutes of the Statue of Liberty when it had all that scaffolding around it, and some revelatory parachute-pants footage – will be lost to history as the tapes decay. How can I preserve this essential piece of our cultural patrimony?

A. The heavy tread of time stamps many a VHS tape ‘neath its boot, leaving your home movies looking as though Gjálp and Greip, twin giantess daughters of fearsome Geirröðr, had frolicked ‘pon them. No more, vow I! Pinnacle DVD Maker Deluxe includes a plug-and-play video capture device, and by the chill winds of Nifleheim, ye shall – oooh, ooh, wait, wait, be right back.

OK, ‘twas a fray raging inside my gut. But fear not, peace reigns again. Like I was saying, the plug-and-play video capture device features both USB 2.0 and FireWire/DV ports, so you just connect the capture device to your PC, hook up your VHS player to the capture device, and record the video directly to DVD, without saving it on your hard drive. Thus shall your home movies live as long as if they’d eaten the apples of Iðunn!

Q. I was excited to get a computer with a DVD burner, but I’ve found the whole process horribly confusing, and I’m afraid I might hurt myself. There’s got to be a better way! How can a person of limited computer acumen like me create high-quality DVDs? Give me hope, Incontinent Viking!

A. Hold the battle, timorous one, for hope ye shall have! Neither the patricidal dwarf Fáfnir nor all the armies of King Haki can stay the hand of the Pinnacle DVD Maker Deluxe. Hailed for its user-friendly interface and robust functionality, the included software makes DVD creation as easy as, er, and, uh, wolves tear at my bowels! At such times I must needs flee, to seek relief!

Whew! OK, I’m back. With this software, just a few mouse clicks will enable you to create DVDs complete with menus and chapter marks, as swiftly as Ratatöskr, impish squirrel of Yggdrasil, sows discord through his deceits. ‘Tis a miracle indeed, a gift from Odin to all of Midgard! I really should get going soon, but maybe I have time for one more question…

Q. What’s the biggest difference between the 21st century and the 11th?

A. By the hoary hosts of Hogarth, my profane affliction doth render me most appreciative of the wonders of 21st century toiletry! If you’d seen some of the holes I’ve had to squat over…and I’m telling you, the subzero temperatures didn’t help. Speaking of which – uh, help me, Odin – I really need to -

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