This Wicker Caddy Isn’t Big Enough For The 15 Of Us

The scene: A comfortable suburban home. The Philips Prestigo 15-Device Universal Remote lands in a small basket of remote controls on a coffee table in front of a couch.

“Make room, schmucks from Schmuckville! There’s a new flipper in town, and I aims to replace ever’ last one of yez. That’s right, I’m a’musclin’ in on your turf! What do you have to say about it?

“I’ll tell you what you have to say about it. Nothin’. Zip. Nada. Silence. Crickets. Somebody hit the mute button.

“Let’s see, who we got in here? Well, if it isn’t our old pal TV remote. Still only controlling the TV, ol’ buddy? Haven’t branched out at all? Haven’t learned a new trick yet? How’s that workin’ out for ya? GET OUT OF HERE, you disgust me.”

The Philips Prestigo 15-Device Universal Remote boots the TV remote out of the basket. It skids across the table and falls to the floor.

“You… Silver. I’ve seen you around. What’s your game?”

“I-I-I-I… I c-c-control th-th-”

“Spit it out, iClaudius; we ain’t gettin’ any younger.”

“I-I c-c-control the D-DVD player.”

“Oh yeah? A disc man, glad to hear it. What about the music in this dump, do you control that?”

“W-well, if th-they put a CD in th-the D-D-DVD p-p-p-”

“GET OUT OF HERE, YOU MAKE ME SICK TO MY CIRCUITS.”

The Philips Prestigo 15-Device Universal Remote kicks the DVD remote out of the basket.

“You two, Stubby and Tubby. Mutt and Jeff. Dingle and Barry. You sad sacks serve any purpose around these parts?”

“Well… I, uh… I mean, that is… He controls TiVo. I do the, uh… HVAC and fans.”

“TWO BOOTS FOR YOU, THEN! AND I DON’T MEAN THE NEW YORK PIZZA JOINT!”

The Philips Prestigo 15-Device Universal Remote kicks the TiVo and HVAC remotes out of the basket. They clatter onto the coffee table. The TiVo remote loses the cover to its battery compartment.

“That’s how we kick it Philips style! See, all y’all remotes is obsolete, you just don’t know it yet! But I’m here with the news, like Atari’s 1984 smash hit game ‘Paperboy.’ Or also, I suppose, like an actual paperboy. Hear me now and blog me later, suckaz: I can do everything you all do, and on just three batteries. Why would anyone in his right mind keep y’all’s grubby chassises around, I ask you?”

An infrared remote that controls the room’s lighting steps forward.

“Now, uh, listen, you. This is a well-established community. Remotes have been living and reproducing in this basket for over a decade. And if you think you can just land in here one day and replace every single—”

“What’s your job, pops?”

“Beg pardon?”

“Your gig, your job, your vocation. What do you do here?”

“Ah. Well, I, uh… I control the lighting. I’ve been doing so since before you were engineered. And I doubt very much that you have the cap—”

“To paraphrase Mahir, I REPLACE YOU. Allow me to make an introduction. YOUR STUPID BUTT, MEET MY FAST-MOVING FOOT.”

The Philips Prestigo 15-Device Universal Remote punts the lighting remote out of the basket.

“Do you fools not pick up what I’m laying down? Do you not come down with a case of what I’m spreading? I control lights. I control DVR. I control projectors, VCRs, stereos, satellite—I control remote-controllable blinds, for crying out loud. I’m the only remote this den is going to need from this day forward! Any remotes that are not the Philips Prestigo 15-Device Universal Remote, kindly get your idiot selves out of this shoddily woven, faux-handcrafted basket OR BE KICKED OUT BY ME. Zap! Bzzt! Bleep! Bla-Zow! Ka-Bloo! Juddapatow!”

All the remaining remotes scramble over the wall of the basket and fall to the coffee table and floor. All is quiet for a moment as the Philips Prestigo 15-Device Universal Remote surveys his now-empty quarters.

“Oh, gawd, I’m so lonely.”

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