Go on, I know you’re wondering. Go ahead and ask. You want to know what happened to my eye, right?

It was a stormy evening, chilly, a lot like tonight. I went down to my basement to get a side of venison out of my meat freezer when I noticed that one of my basement windows was cracked. I supposed I might as well measure the thing while I was down there, so’s I’d know how big a pane of glass I’d need to replace it. But darned if I couldn’t find my tape measure. I looked everywhere for it, and I was just about to give up when I saw something I’ll never forget.

There it was, on the shelf above the croquet set, glowing pearly white. It was the biggest, most beautiful tape measure I’d ever seen. I didn’t wonder where it came from – I was too drawn to it, too entranced by its magic. I had to go to it, to take it in my hand, to measure stuff with it. It had a hold on me.

I lifted it – so light, almost like it climbed into my hand on its own. I felt like we floated together over to the broken window, and it seemed to unfurl like a flag in the breeze. In no time at all, I found the dimensions of the broken pane – 13” by 27”, it was – and clicked the button to reel it back in.

I know how this sounds. But it lunged. That’s the only way I can describe it. The tape lunged at my eye, and cut the eyeball with the sharp tape edge. I think I mighta caught that little metal tab on the end, too. Of course, I screamed in pain and grabbed my eye. I heard the tape measure clatter to the floor. I blacked out. I woke up in the hospital, and they told me they’d had to remove the eye.

After I got back home, I crawled around the basement for two days. I looked in every corner, under every piece of furniture, behind every box. I never found that lovely, mysterious, deadly tape measure. I don’t know where it came from or why it attacked me. And frankly, I don’t want to. I’m just glad to be alive.

Now I play it safe with the Performance Tools W5746 Point-N-Measure Digital Tape Measure. It measures distances up to 50 feet electronically. It can freeze measurements in its memory, and it shuts off automatically after five minutes, so it doesn’t waste the 9-volt battery. And most importantly, it doesn’t contain any potentially blinding tape. I’ve still got one good eye, and I intend to keep it.

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