You ought to be in pictures. Several pictures. Stitched together in Digital Panorama mode, probably, because you’re a big girl.

 Excuse me, I couldn’t help noticing you from across the food court. My name is Rombert Coboconk. It’s, uh, French. I’m a European photographer visiting from… y’know, France. Where I’m from.

Anyway, has anyone ever told you that you look just like a famous painting? Like from some kind of art museum? For real, one of the old ones, when they used fat models. I mean—sorry, that came out wrong. You know what I mean. Fleshy girls. It’s an artistic term. Anyway, the point is, I find you captivating. And I’d like you to come to my studio for a shoot. Like as a model.

I have all kinds of cameras. Of course I do, right? After all, like I said, I’m a professional art and fashion photographer from France, in Europe, which you have no reason to doubt. I think the camera I’ll use for your shoot is my Pentax E60. It’s got ten of those, uh, whaddyacallem—megapixels. So the pictures are really sharp. It’ll capture every last one of your… what are these? Freckles? Or blackheads or something?

Oh, wait, no—“beauty marks.” That’s what I meant to say. Right. Anyway, it’ll show you in all your greasy, corpulent you-ness, which is what drew me to you in the first place. For real, I was bewitched by your unique beauty, your bizarre posture, and your unconventional fashion sense from the moment I saw you coming out of the WC, which is what we Europeans call the john.

Also, the E60 has a wide zoom lens, which is normally for, like, landscape pictures or group shots, but it’d probably be good for making sure I get all of you in the frame. How much do you weigh?

Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that. I just mean—hey, you’re built for comfort, not for speed, right, sof’ stuff? We French types appreciate the good life, and the female form, which is why I’m so into you in an artistic kind of way. How do you feel about nude shots? Never mind; we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.

So you think you might want to try a little modeling? All very tasteful, I promise. After all, I studied at the most famous art photography school in Paris, France, maybe you’ve heard of it. It’s called the, uh… Paris, France School of Art Photography Technical Institute. So you can be assured there’s nothing sleazy about my operation. It’s high-class. Besides, would some garden-variety perv be walking around with a fancy camera like this E60? You bet your stretch pants he wouldn’t.

Oh, I guess they’re blue jeans. Well, they have kind of a stretch-pant look on you.

If you’re interested in taking some test shots right now, I have a mobile studio. it’s right outside the mall, here. It’s a green van with Star Wars curtains on the windows. You want to give it a try? Yeah?

Sure, you can finish your burrito first. Take your time. I’ll get the studio set up. And be sure to let your friends over there know that you met a famous French art photographer, too. Especially that one in the red. Tell her I shoot pretty girls too, not just… uh… you know, your type.

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