“Mom, could you pass the mashed poWHY IS MRS. GIMMLE STANDING OUTSIDE THE SLIDING GLASS DOOR WITH THE SLEDGEHAMMER?!”

“It’s nothing, dear. Finish your peas, then help your father clear the table. There’s no need for the hammer, Beatrice. The door’s open. Come on in and join us if you like.”

“Gertrude, you weasel. Did you think the news wouldn’t get back to me? Did you think I’d just let you get away with it?”

“Get away with what, Bea? Why, I have absolutely no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh ho ho, don’t you play coy with me. I thought I made myself perfectly clear when you and your rabble first moved into this neighborhood. I throw the fancy dinner parties around here. ME. Not you.”

“Well, I wouldn’t really call it a ‘fancy’ dinner party. It was rather a lovely little get together, though.”

“Oh, I heard. Your meal was quite the talk of the knitting circle, you treacherous minx. Everyone just went on and on about the food, the wine, and the witty conversation. I might have believed it was ‘just a get-together’ if Marsha hadn’t mentioned the flatware.”

“Really? Did she mention the Oneida 65 Piece Flatware Collection I purchased? She is so thoughtful! I really had a hard time choosing between the Stafford or the Chandler sets. Both came with place settings for 12, including serving spoon and fork, sugar spoon, butter knife, and pierced serving spoon. And all in a gorgeous wooden caddy, unlike some other, more low-grade sets. Your set, for instance.”

“YOU DARE MOCK MY FLATWARE?!”

“Well, you know, the Stafford or Chandler set isn’t just some super-mega-ultra bargain store buy. These are the kind of sets you find at Macy’s. These are finely crafted 18/0 stainless steel. Dishwasher safe, too. And what a steal! In comparison to other flatware sets at the price, these definitely come out on top. It was so hard to choose whether to grab the modern design of the Stafford or the classically European look of the Chandler, I just bought both! So, while maybe you USED to be the Dinner Party Queen of Parkwood Terrace, that doesn’t seem to be the case any longer. Funny how times change.”

“THEY MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT, GERTIE. Not around here. You want to serve twelve people with high-quality flatware, you have to go through me first.”

“Huh. Well, then, how do you think we should best settle this? Dueling Dinner Parties? Death By Chocolate?”

“Oh, no. You’re not getting off that easy. We’re going old school. Bake-off. High noon. Lyndon B. Johnson Gymnasium. Let’s finish this little rivalry once and for all.”

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