The jig is up, NVIDIA. We know it’s your job to make your video cards sound exciting. That’s why your sales copy uses terms like “mind-blowing performance” and “unparalleled horsepower”. We understand. It’s also our job to make your video cards sound exciting. But the thing is, we like to sleep at night, and there’s no way we could if we spent all day slinging unsupportable hyperbole.

Sure, this is a decent enough card or whatever: a GeForce 7600GS GPU, 256MB DDR memory, NVIDIA CineFX 4.0 engine, PCI-E interface. But here are some phrases we won’t be using to describe it:

• “orgasmically nuclear”
• “soul-searing”
• “howling, demonic video performance”
• “like a herd of 65 wild mustangs driving ‘65 Mustangs”
• “world-historical”
• “so astonishing as to instantly liquefy the contents of the user’s bowels”
• “mega-ribs”
• “far out”
• “high-octane”
• “hi-octane”
• “a pulverizing, white-hot video-processing jackhammer”

Sure, it’s more fun to write that stuff than to tell the truth. But here’s the one word we feel best captures the elusive appeal of the NVIDIA GeForce 7600GS:

• “cheap”

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