No, we don’t want no cranks. A crank is a thing to which we say no thanks, you see.

Say, what’s with the hose strewn across your lawn? Don’t you care about appearances? Don’t you have any self-respect? A person’s home is his or her castle. What, are you planning a moat?

Sheesh, look at it, strung all across the yard, ugly as can be, advertising your sloth, and driving down property values on the whole street. It’s only a matter of time before it gums up the lawnmower, or trips some neighbor kid.

Yeah, sure, you enjoy watching children fall down; who doesn’t? It’s hilarious. But you know what you won’t enjoy? Their parents’ liability claims, that’s what.

You do know that hose is killing your grass as we speak, right? If you’re not going to put it away, you could at least arrange it to spell something appropriate in cursive. How about LA-Z HOMONR?

You know, I heard of a guy—he left his hose out all summer. Apparently a snake crawled in there, maybe to get warm. He didn’t know until one day he picked up the hose and turned it on to spray his wife, just horsing around, you know? And the snake came squirting out at her. It caused serious emotional trauma, right there. They divorced soon after.

Yep.

Say, you know what you need? You need a hose reel. Sure, a hose reel would wind that sucker right up. They actually make hose reels now that run on water.

You heard right, they run on water! Like the star of the Bethlehem High varsity track team. We’re talking hands-free garden-hose rewinding with NO batteries, NO electricity, NO springs, NO cranks, NO coal-fired steam engines, and NO witchcraft. You just flip a lever and some kind of water-piston engine rewinds the hose. Splish, splash, it’s as easy as that.

You have to buy the right reel for the size, shape, and type of hose that you use, is all. What have you got there, a 75-footer? Sure, one of those No-Crank reels would do you just fine.

Now say, what’s with all those weeds in your planters? Don’t you care about appearances?

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