Hey, you bought a grill from George Foreman. Why not buy your food processor from a Ninja Master?

What people don’t understand about me is that being a ninja was just one phase of my life. It was a great time, don’t get me wrong. The travel, the women, the murdering. I’ve killed people in luxury hotels so exclusive, they officially don’t exist. A hundred different companies begged me to wear their tabi socks or strangle people with their wire. And there was nothing like that feeling that I was at the center of the world, making things happen behind the scenes. When my employers needed a pope or a president out of the way, I was the one who, uh, actually, forget I said that.

But there’s more to life. Sure, I would’ve been more or less happy prowling the dark corners of history, piling up the bodies behind me – who wouldn’t? But while I was fully indulging the lethal assassin Me, there were other Mes I was ignoring. After silently stabbing the reckless, cocaine-addicted heir of a Maltese shipping magnate, I felt somehow empty inside. That’s when I knew it was time to get out and explore what else I had to offer, what new facets of my personality were waiting to be uncovered, what other things I could cut.

So I’m stepping out of the shadows with the Ninja Master Prep Pro System. The 450W motor on the Master Pod works with either the bowl, the 40-ounce pitcher, or the 48-ounce pitcher. The powerful pulsing action uses the three different blade sets to make short work of ice, vegetables, fruit, you name it – just like my old blades used to make short work of corrupt government officials and vicious crime lords the world over. Mince, dice, chop, blend, and puree as easily as a ninja slipping into the private suite of a Fortune 500 CEO. This set works so masterfully, sometimes I wonder if I was really born to create professional-grade kitchen appliances.

Do I miss the old life? Well, sometimes, if I’m up late on a quiet night, I might find myself thinking about where I’d be if I was still in the game. Maybe poised in a pomegranate tree outside a madrassah in Tehran, or behind a curtain in an upscale Kyoto apartment, waiting to strike, savoring the delicious moment of anticipation. I’ll start thinking about how easy it would be to sneak unnoticed into a neighbor’s house, just to feel the old ninja rush again. At moments like those, I make myself a smoothie with the Ninja Master Prep Pro System and drink it all in one gulp. My past may be stained with blood, but my future is rich and frothy.

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