I’ll never forget it, no matter how hard I try. The laughter. The taunts. The soaked pants. Fifth-graders can be so cruel. How was I supposed to know “Nike” had two syllables? It was the ‘80s. Nike hadn’t yet vaulted over the Pumas and the Ponys and the British Knightses to become the world-straddling colossus we know today. And they had that whole Air Jordan deal going on, so to my juvenile mind, there was some vague logic to the idea that “Nike” rhymed with “Mike”.

Eventually, the laughter stopped. The pain never did. I haven’t been able to bring myself to buy anything by Nike ever since. Oh, sure, in college I told people it had something to do with sweatshops. But the truth is, even the sight of that monolithic swoosh sends me right back to the playground. That hateful, hateful playground.

I can’t live like this anymore. I have to face my Nikephobia. So I’m taking baby steps toward recovery, starting with this two-pack of Nike Sport Kit Carrying Cases for MP3 Players. I couldn’t care less about their padded dividers. I won’t be wrapping my earbuds around their cable spools. And I don’t plan to flash my health club ID in their clear plastic card sleeve. While some may appreciate these MP3 cases for their compact convenience and water-resistant gadget protection, I’m in it for the healing. Next stop: Nike wristbands?

Back to top