I ain’t gonna lie to you, son. I done some things wrong through the years. And now the piper is coming due.

It’s easy to see now. I shoulda stayed in school instead of taking that job at the rendering plant. And when the rendering plant closed, I shoulda spent more time polishing my resume and honing my interviewing skills, and less time building that catapult in the backyard. So what if I’ve always known my true talents lie in the ancient-siege-artillery field? They ain’t hiring for that no more.

Maybe the face tattoos were a bad idea, too. I’m not even that much of a Manowar fan.

Point is, I made a mess of my life. And I’m getting older, and I’m scared. So you’re going to save my chitlins out of the fire, starting today. Meet the first payment into my retirement plan: the Nike Birdie Blue Junior Golf Stand Bag. Because you, son, you’re going to be a pro golfball player on the golf world tour and make millions of dollars and take real good care of your old man.

Now, I gotta wait til the 13th to get the clubs. Law says you can only donate plasma every couple weeks. But for now you can get acquainted with the bag. See the way the stand pops out here? That’s gonna make a real nice launch pad for bottle rockets someday when you’re grown up. For now, it’s perfect for hauling them clubs around that I ain’t bought yet. Your old man ain’t gonna spring for no caddy, so you better get used to carrying it now. Once you hit the jackpot as a hotshot golf ninja, you’re gonna be able to hire caddies to carry around your caddies. But for now we’re going with the D-Y-I approach.

Aw, man, is that what time it is? OK, tell you what, you just walk around the block with this lightweight, kid-size golf bag on your shoulder until I get back. I ain’t gonna be gone long. I just gotta take your twin sisters over to the tennis court.

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