You’ve probably read the info on the back of her fold-out, full-length portrait. The one where she’s in the ice cave, with a husky or something. Isn’t she gorgeous? So anyway, you know she’s into firearms, surfing and Thai cuisine. You know she goes for “chiseled” guys. And if you know me at all, you know that I can’t stand loud noises, can’t swim, and am extremely sensitive to spicy foods. Let’s just say that if I took her out for gai himaphan, our romantic dinner date’d be playing chicken with an inevitable digestive mishap the likes of which would ruin my chances forever. And “chiseled?” Yeah, like a sandwich bag full of jam. But here’s how I plan to win the heart of Kiki Summermoon, SKINDISCRETION magazine’s “Ms. Behavior of the Month” from October, 1997:

I also know from her centerfold questionnaire that she likes fellas “who know their way around.” Well, I have a terrible sense of direction, and very little familiarity with the Alabama town that my research reveals is her current place of residence.

But I’ve got a secret weapon! A little digital Cyrano that’s going to make me look like the most natural navigator Ms. Summermoon’s ever seen! It’s the Navigon N100 Pocket Loox Portable GPS. About the size of a cell phone, it’ll guide me on every step of the long, romantic walk I’m planning for us. I’ll load up a micro SD card with maps of her Dixieland town (the Loox doesn’t have internal map storage), and off we’ll go.

Powered by Windows, the Loox can also display photos and movies as well as play mp3s. So if Kiki asks about it, I’ll just say it’s a media player or something.

Meanwhile, I’ll be winning her over with my astonishing depth of knowledge about the Incredible Hulk. A lot of people don’t know all the changes he’s been through, as the Savage Hulk, Joe Fixit, the intelligent ‘90s period… There’s a lot more to it than people think, and she’ll be impressed that I know all of that.

By the time we’ve made our way back to her place, she’ll forget all about her other criteria. So what if I don’t handle guns? Who cares that I can’t surf? What difference does it make that we’ll never share a bowl of Massaman curry without risking the most horrifying kind of lavatory-contaminating event? She’ll have fallen for me, and that’ll be that.

And I’ll owe it to my Navigon Loox that she even gave me a chance.

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