It’s something little kids say, something cute for its cockeyed naivete: “Mommy, how do they fit all those little people inside this portable DVD player?” Adorable. Innocent. Absurd. But if you could hear my tiny little voice, I’d tell you that it’s only too real. And it’s not innocent at all.

I didn’t know the panhandler was some kind of gypsy warlock. If I had, I certainly wouldn’t have spit into his styrofoam begging cup and told him that McDonald’s was hiring. Next thing I know, alakazam! I’m trapped inside the Mustek PL8A90 Portable DVD Player, joining a troupe of equally damned souls, forced to act out the drama and comedy of the owner’s choice. When the power button is thrown, we glide and stumble across the 9” screen, mere marionettes of cruel fate. When an SD/MMC card is put into the card reader, we freeze into the contorted poses of the user’s loved ones. When the owner inserts a CD, we must sing. And when the power is turned off, we’re trapped in a cold, featureless world of gray.

I’ve stopped trying to get out, stopped pleading for release. But please, the next time you watch your Mustek PL8A90 Portable DVD Player, try to choose something where one of characters dies a quiet, gentle death. It may be my only hope for a painless escape from this digital purgatory.

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