Dear SS -

I recently started growing a clone of myself in my garage incubator, to keep an eye on my stuff when I’m out. After all, if I can’t trust my own clone, who can I trust? Problem is, it’s still months away from even being born, and years away from being old enough to stay home alone. (Believe me, most home invaders are neither as bumbling nor as cuddly as Harry & Marv.) My clone security system will be fully operational by 2025 or so, but what do I do in the meantime? How can I possibly get an honest day’s work done at the iron mine, when somebody could just waltz, foxtrot, or mosh into my empty abode and make off with my priceless set of Franklin Mint collector’s plates? Or – even worse – steal my gestating clone? Help me, Security Swami! You’re my only hope!

- Home A Clone

Thank you for your question, Mr. Home.

My initial piece of advice to you is to stop playing God. You are dabbling in matters man was not meant to fritter about with. Home security is one thing – leapfrogging through the genetic fields of the Creator is quite another. Continue down the reckless path of rascality and the wrath of a vexed universe will rain upon you like the scalding spew of a nuclear volcano.

As to your Franklin Mint plates: I, too, am a collector, and it always pleases me to hear from a fellow Frankie. If you have a spare copy of the John Wayne “Remembering D-Day” plate, I would happy to swap a delightful “Cozy Companions” plate featuring a teddy bear and two kittens rendered by the most esteemed Kathy Duncan. Please contact my personal archivist Mr. January to execute this transaction.

The only security system I trust to protect my plate collection – and, to be completely frank, the only one I could afford on an advice columnist’s salary – is theMotorola Home Monitoring & Control System. For one low price, it includes two wireless cameras, a wireless window/door sensor, and everything else I need to turn my PC into a home security station.

While I recline upon my divan, I need only peer over at my computer monitor to, er, monitor the goings-on in other locations of the estate. Should anything go awry while I am away at one of my many speaking engagements, I will be notified via email. All the events will be recorded for me to view at a convenient time, and to introduce into evidence if need be. And with the free one-year subscription service, I can actually view live, real-time video from any PC or see still images on my mobile phone. Furthermore, I am fully enabled to enact other controls - for example, to turn on my house lights directly from said device. Miraculous indeed!

“But certainly,” I can hear you cry, “installing such a marvel must be most taxing and arduous!” Dry your tears, you sniveling coward. You disgust me. In a mere 30 minutes I had my system fully installed and running. For a fumbling amateur such as yourself, allow 45. Wirelessness is next to quickliness, and securitiness is just across the street. And the name of that street is entitled the Motorola Home Monitoring & Control System.

With great love-
the Security Swami

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