All rise, court is now in session, the honorable Judge Melvin presiding.

Okay, well, let’s take a look here. People vs The Hot Dog Bandit. Really? Your name is really The Hot Dog Bandit? Oh, your name is Stan? Well, hello, Stan, I’m Horace, nice to meet you. Gosh, I wonder why the Chief of Police wrote that in wrong. No, Stan, that’s a rhetorical question, since I’m actually pretty sure I know exactly why. I see the reason right over there. Hello, “Almanac” Greene, good to see you back again. Where’s your freckled tomboy friend, Sammy? Oh, she’s watching a softball game this afternoon? Well, no matter, I’m sure we don’t need all the witnesses here today for this court case. Why stand on technicalities?

So, Stan, it says here that young Master Green caught you stealing diamonds, oh, how terrible. According to the police report, they caught you, a.k.a “The Hot Dog Bandit” standing near your wife, who was videotaping the hot dog eating contest with a Memorex Mini 720p HD Camcorder. Does that have an optical zoom, Stan? No optical zoom? Just 8x digital? Well, that’s okay, Stan, we’re just small town folks here. A town like ours, we don’t even need to put a person’s real name on our legal documents, so what good could come of optical zoom? No, Chief, we’ll get to you and “Almanac” soon. Right now, I’m talking to Stan.

Now, correct me if I’m wrong, Stan, but this was the point when you were arrested, right? On suspicion of stealing diamonds? Now, I’m sure your wife taped the whole thing and saved it to a SDHC card, which was sold separately, because the Memorex Mini 720p HD Camcorder can record hours and hours of video onto a simple card. I’m sure of this, just like I’m sure that a record of every place you went all day is saved on this thing. And the reason I’m so sure of all that is because I actually watched the footage, which is the sort of thing you’d think would have happened well before a trial started, possibly even before the arrest was made! I can see there’s no chance you could have been near the diamonds at all. I also have to say, I’m very impressed by your camera. HD video, still shots, HDMI digital out, MP3 player, voice recorder, webcam, SD card reader, this thing does it all! By the way, here, you can have it back.

Okay, Chief, what is it? I shouldn’t give that back? You think the camera’s evidence? You too, “Almanac” Greene? Wow, that’s real policey talk, I’m very impressed. Too bad none of that policey talk was going on when you guys, and I quote from the official report, “sent three armed officers to apprehend the Hot Dog Bandit because he put sauerkraut on his hot dog before he put on the mustard.” Honestly, Chief. I’d expect this crap from Kid Batman over there, but you’re an officer of the law! You’ve been to school for this! And you really think that the way someone puts sauerkraut on their hot dog is probable cause? Stan, my friend, on behalf of the entire American Justice System, I apologize for the way you have been treated, and you are free to go. Don’t forget your Memorex Mini 720p HD Camcorder on the way out.

No, “Almanac”, this is not a travesty. And, let me tell you in advance, you’re not going to follow him home and peek in his windows to see if he’s killing his wife with an ice dagger that melts and leaves no murder weapon or break into his car to try to find a piece of paper that’s been folded more than seven times to prove he’s some kind of space robot or whatever you’re coming up with now. In fact, you’re going to stay away from all police business from now. Oh, what’s this you’re yelling? I’m corrupt? I’m in the pockets of the Hot Dog industry? You and Sammy are going to have me disbarred?

Bailiff, please escort young Master Greene back into the custody of his parents, he clearly needs his diapers changed. Then find me one of those Memorex Mini 720p HD Camcorders, I could use one of those when I’m out playing golf. Which is exactly where I am going right now. And, Chief? Don’t let me see you bringing a case like this into my courtroom again.

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