Don’t patronize me. We both know Mother has always loved you more.

Ever since she took us out of that box, you’ve always been her favorite. You get to carry Blu-ray video and audio for classy stuff like The Searchers and The Seventh Seal. But when she wants to watch My Big Friggin’ Wedding through her HDTV tuner, I’m the one who has to let that sludge run through my body. I wish somebody would make an HDMI cable cleaner, because I feel filthy.

I used to ask myself why. I used to wonder if there was something wrong with me. On the surface, we’re the same: we both use the same Memorex optimized geometry and high-purity metals. We’re both compatible with the same range of HD devices. We both deliver the same brilliant color and rich sound. Why didn’t she love me the way she loved you? What was wrong with me?

But it doesn’t matter. This is just the way things are. I accept that there’s nothing I can do to change the way Mother feels about me. But what I can do is this. You see, I’ve made very good friends with the surge protector. The next time Mother turns the Blu-ray player on, there’s going to be a little accident. Oh, don’t worry, you won’t be totally destroyed. Just injured enough to wind up in the spare-cable box in the basement. And we all know that nothing that goes into the spare-cable box ever comes out.

But don’t worry. I’ll take over your Blu-ray duties while you’re “recuperating.” It’s the least I could do for my beloved sister.

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