That momentary pain will seem but a tickle once you’ve experienced the miraculous healing power of the super-scientific electro-automatic transcutaneous Medisana HWR6500 Back Pain Relief System! This auspicious apparatus relieves pains of the lower back and environs without recourse to elixirs, potions, or leeches! No unpalatable pills! No loose stools or sexual dysfunction! And best of all, no concerns that the local addict populace will break into your house and steal it to get high!

Now I can tell by the looks on your faces that you’re wondering exactly how it is that the Medisana HWR6500 accomplishes such astounding achievements in anatomical analgesia! Educate yourself with these edifying and enlightening examples explaining exactly how the HWR6500 exerts electricity to eradicate your excruciating, um, pain! And if you can think of a synonym for “pain” that starts with an “e”, let me know!

WILL: reduce musculoskeletal (or is that skeletomuscular?) back pain in a non-invasive, pharmaceutical-free way.
WILL NOT: reduce unsightly flab on your stomach, hips, and buttocks.

WILL: use Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation to control pain associated with sore and aching muscles.
WILL NOT: activate your latent mutant energy powers.

WILL: mess you up bad if you have a pacemaker or implanted defibrillator. Seriously.
WILL NOT: bring your dog back to life.

WILL: help your body jack your brain up on sweet, sweet endorphins.
WILL NOT: make you feel like you’re being struck by lightning.

WILL: stimulate your nerve fibers to block pain signals from reaching the brain.
WILL NOT: stimulate your secret crush to fall hopelessly into romantic and physical love with you.

WILL: fry your brain if you attach it to each temple and turn it on. For real.
WILL NOT: hurt you if you use as directed. And don’t say anything bad about its momma.

WILL: help back pain sufferers play the piano.
WILL NOT: help back pain sufferers play the piano if they don’t already know how.

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