Before I get down to cases, let it be said that I am second to no man in my complete admiration for the Halo game franchise. My master’s thesis was on the influence of Homer on the Halo novels, and when my fiance said I had to choose between her and Halo, well, let’s just say I’m available, ladies. And I know that the Halo people don’t need my marketing advice – they didn’t get where they are today by being total idiots.

But I am totally baffled by their decision to lend their iconic character’s name to this utterly pedestrian set of kitchen knives.

First of all, why knives? Couldn’t they find a more appropriate armament, like a carbine or a spike grenade? Believe me, no matter how handy a 7” Santoku knife may be in the kitchen, you wouldn’t want to go up against the Flood with one. Second: why these knives? Halo is a towering cultural touchstone, more important than all the works of Shakespeare, Twain, and Lovecraft combined. These mediocre knives are not worthy to bear the name of the U.N. Space Command’s bravest officer.

I hesitate to bring up this final point, but I must. John-117 has always conducted himself with the utmost dignity, stoicism, and humility. Were he real, I find it impossible to believe that he would approve of any kitchen set that includes a 6” boner. Such juvenilia is beneath this video-game character.

Although I am but a lowly fan, I sincerely hope the Halo team will reconsider their decision to endorse this kitchen set. Many of us have noticed that “Halo” is almost an anagram for “Holy”, and to put our beloved hero’s sacred name on such a shoddy product is tantamount to blasphemy. Please, in the name of all that is good -

What? Oh…I see now…this is the Master Chef WB160 Duracut 16pc Kitchen Knife Set and Cutting Board. Um, never mind.

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