Buyers log, February 2009. What if they gave a war and nobody came? Now we know the answer. Today the vortex dropped us in an alternate universe where the Summer of Love never ended. There was no Altamont, no Reagan Revolution, no 80’s Yuppie Economic boom. There was just a slow, smooth transition to so-called “peace enforcement units”. Units armed with the seemingly innocent Idea Village Marshmallow Popper.

Designed to shoot mini marshmallows (or the included non-edible green pellets), the Idea Village Marshmallow Popper was the first step to making war seem foolish and fun. The plan was to make people enjoy conflict, like a game, and turn feuds into a playful sport. But in the dangerous Cold War climate, any item could be seen as a weapon, and any gap could be seen as a sign of weakness.

It was 1968 when the Soviets sent the first wave of chocolate bunnies into Afghanistan. The world trembled together.

Acting on special executive order, a crack team of commandos were assembled and armed with Idea Village Marshmallow Poppers. Able to shoot up to twenty five feet away and holding up to twenty mini marshmallows (or the included non-edible green pellets) the Idea Village Marshmallow Poppers helped the commando unit take the chocolate bunny convoy with no losses. But too late, they discovered it was all a trap.

When the Pentagon heard that their commando unit had been taken prisoner, along with the Idea Village Marshmallow Popper technology that formed the backbone of our national defense, it was only a matter of time before war was declared. The nation rallied behind its leaders, rationing caramel and nougat in order to meet production quotas. Fresh baked cookie tanks rolled off the line each and every day, and the aerodynamic ice cream sandwich pilots did their part to command the skies.

It was too much for the Soviets, though. In one final, desperate action, the Premier authorized the launch of thousands of megatons of Red Hots. Even the Idea Village Marshmallow Popper Primary Strike Force was unable to stop them in time. The entire planet was rendered terribly spicy, and survivors were left as nothing but savage brutes with bright red tongues, wandering helplessly in search of a glass of water. A glass of water that they would never find.

From this empty world, I return with the Idea Village Marshmallow Popper. All I ask is that here, in our world, it never fall into the hands of any children under eight years of age… lest the cycle begin anew.

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