M-Audio Studiophile Speakers? Check. Surefire hit songs like “Love Infarction” and “Keyboard Shortcut To You, Girl”? Check. Now all I need to start my production career is a snappy nickname.

Babyface, Timbaland, Glyn Johns: you can’t be a big-name producer without some wacky made-up studio handle. It can make the difference between Jimmy Jam and, uh, the other guy he made records with, whatever his name was. A good name is part of the producer mystique, like Martin Hannett’s drugs or Phil Spector’s famous “wall of hair”.

The M-Audio Studiophile Desktop Speakers bring out the intricate details of my productions a lot better than my previous playback system (the tape deck in my cousin L’il P-Nut’s ‘91 Camry). And the Pro Tools Vocal Studio’s USB microphone will capture the soaring highs and rich lows of I’ll need for the vocals on my signature ballad, “Guess Who’s Not Wearing Any Underwear?”. I need a real diva to sing that one; hit me up if you know anybody.

So anyway, that’s taken care of. It’s name time. Musclepig? Curlicue? Pappy Jim, Scourge of the Tetons? Nah, those all suck. And I owe it to my classic songs to pick the most commercial yet unique producer name I can think up – anything less and the world may never get to hear “Red, White, & Thong” or “Unexplained Stain (On My Heart)”. Oh, wait, I got one: Steve Albini!

Nah, sounds too goofy. I can do better than that.

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