And now, a message to the parents of America from Surgeon-Lieutenant Dr. C. Emmett Scold:

Your children are about to die.

Not immediately, and not in the obvious ways. But a new scourge threatens to destroy and degrade millions of young citizens, a menace as dangerous in its own way as “dropping trips” (LSD) or “smoking crankballs” (potent narcotics processed into spherical form). I’m speaking, of course, of the so-called “viral video” pandemic.

Instead of devoting themselves to study and prayer, American teenagers are wasting their precious youth cavorting in front of “web cameras” for the amusement of their peers. Some of these videos may seem innocuous, like the ones where the kids talk about their feelings and their concerns and how Bethany totally thinks she’s hot excrement in those Miss Sixty jeans but she’s really just cold, runny excrement. Others are more obviously sinister, like the ones where two or three young females lipsync along to raunchy hip-hop songs, typically clad in tank tops or tight sweaters, their firm, young anatomical features heaving and jiggling in time to the sensual rhythms. In the course of my work, I have personally viewed thousands of such videos. Their potential for titillation is not to be underestimated.

But whatever their content, make no mistake: these videos are a plague upon all our houses, a toilet down which the futures of young people are daily flushed. Beyond that, these “web cameras” are often capable of two-way video and audio communication while online. You would be amazed at how easily a teenage “webcammer” can be persuaded to do inappropriate things in front of a “web camera,” even by a middle-aged and unattractive healthcare bureaucrat. It’s shocking.

What can you do as a parent? Get to know your child, secretly if necessary. If a comprehensive search of your teenager’s room yields a Logitech QuickCam Communicate STX Webcam like the one pictured above, it may be time to take action. These inexpensive cameras allow the user to transmit and record clear 640×480 images at 30 fps, and save these videos as AVI files. It’s diabolically easy to set up and works in tandem with many popular “Internet messenger” services. (These so-called “IM” services are also a threat to America’s youth, but that’s a subject for another serm- er, message.)

The Logitech QuickCam Communicate STX Webcam and its ilk are bullets aimed at the heart of American childhood. The sooner we eradicate these tools of depravity, the better. If you find that your teen is addicted to webcamming, especially if she is an attractive 14-to-17-year-old with red or blonde hair and a well-developed figure, please instruct her to IM me at “DocHottie38” for personal counseling. Her future happiness – and mine – may well depend on it.

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