Curse these infernal kids and their Xbox tapes! In your day, if you and your little playmates wanted to pretend like you were ruthless, carjacking gunsels, you had to use your imaginations. The only flying bullets, spattering blood, and bouncing breasts you saw were in your mind’s eye, not big as life on some full-color TV screen. And I’ll tell you what else you didn’t have – wires strewn all about the place, perfect for tripping a poor, unsuspecting grandparent. The last time one of those blasted controller cables sent you sprawling onto the carpet, all the little monsters could talk about was how you’d messed up something called Hello Too, whatever that is. Of course, nobody bothered to help you up, let alone apologize. Do these kids think artificial hips grow on trees?

Hey, Gramps: don’t hate the playa, hate the wires. The Logitech Cordless Attack Controller for Xbox brings wireless gameplay and precision control to your family room in shades of luminous, vomitous green. Logitech calls their 2.4GHz setup “Cordless Freedom technology,” but you’ll call it swell. With 30 feet of range, no lag time, and up to 300 hours of play time on two AA batteries, those pesky kids will have no excuse for fouling up your world and endangering your life with their treacherous cables. And you’ll be able to move on to other points of difference with the young people of today, such as their hairstyles, clothing, musical taste, work ethic, grooming habits, social skills, and loose morals.

Ah, but you’re not so easily sold. “OK, buddy,” says you, “you really expect me to believe that these controllers are so all-fired terrific? If so, why are they for sale on Woot? And why so cheap?” You haven’t slogged through all these years without learning a thing or two, have you? The catch is, they only work with regular old Xbox, not with Xbox 360. We would explain the difference, but it would probably be easier to just go ask your grandson.