Is this Thomas N-, Neg-, Neguyeen?

“It’s pronounced ‘when.’ Thomas Nguyen.”

Right. Nguyen. Okay. How are you today Mr. Nguyen?

“Fine. Who’s calling? What is this about?”

I’m sorry, so this IS Thomas Nguyen?

”...yes. What do you want?”

Thomas this is Robin White with Young, Orville, Ulrich, & Roberts Asset Securities Systems. We’re a third party collection agency calling about an account that’s been placed in my office for Jefferson Memorial Hospital. I’m showing the balance owed on that account is $4,500.67. I’m calling to see how you’re going to resolve this balance today.

“Uh, well I’m not.”

You’re not? Mr. Nguyen I show this bill is from services you received on April 3 two years ago. Were you in the hospital then?

“Yes.”

Okay so you received services. What’s holding you back from paying?

“Look, I’m dealing with the hospital. I appreciate that you’re just doing your job but I’m not going to talk to you today.”

Mr. Nguyen if you had an arrangement with the hospital they certainly wouldn’t have placed you with my office. Obviously they’ve sent you my way because they haven’t been able to reach an acceptable arrangement with you. Let’s work out what we can do to get you out of collections and end the damage to your credit report.

“I’m not going to be paying this for awhile.”

Why awhile? What happens in awhile? Sir you’ve already admitted you received services from the hospital-

“I told you I’m not paying.”

Yes but Mr. Nguyen you’ve already said you were in the hospital, they took care of you, why do you feel like you shouldn’t have to pay this bill?

“I don’t have the money.”

Well that’s why I’m calling! I know I don’t have $4500 lying around either but we can work out a payment arrangement-

“LISTEN YOU TWO-BIT LOSER. I KNOW YOU. I USED TO BE YOU WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE. YOU’RE SOME SNOT-NOSED JERK SITTING IN A CUBE FARM SURROUNDED BY DOZENS OF IDIOTS JUST LIKE YOU JUST HARASSING PEOPLE ALL DAY LONG.”

Sir I’m not trying to harass-

“SHUT UP! YOU’RE SITTING THERE IN YOUR CRAPPY DRESS SHIRT AND YOUR DAD’S TIE, PROBABLY TALKING INTO A REFURBISHED LOGITECH CLEAR CHAT BEHIND THE HEAD HEADSET WITH INTERCHANGEABLE COLORS. YOU’RE SUCH A COG IN A MACHINE THAT YOU CAN’T EVEN DIAL THE PHONE YOURSELF. A MACHINE DOES IT FOR YOU.”

Sir I’m- Wait, you can see me?

“No, I can’t SEE you, but I don’t have to to know how empty your life must feel. How hard it must be to not burst into tears every morning knowing what a horrible life you lead, making your nickel biting the backs of deadbeats and honest people who’ve fallen on hard times just for the chance at a bonus check. What a sad man you are, Robin.”

OkayIcanseeyouwon’tbemakingapaymenttodaysoI’llmarktheaccountasarefusaltopaythankyousir!

Whew. Smile and dial, Robin. Smile and dial. Next one’s big money!

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