I used to feel a smug sense of pride when I told people I didn’t have a TV. Then I realized what I was missing.

Yeah, I thought I was too smart for TV. Then my life was changed after a book club meeting at my friend Doug’s, when I happened to see some brides fighting over free plastic surgery. The “injectables party” was just the beginning. Turns out just about every show on cable these days is about some vapid, entitled rich people whining through the meaningless dramas of their worthless lives. Why didn’t anybody tell me about this? I’d’ve thrown away my library card years ago!

The best part, though, is the stuff for sale on TV. Like the Little Giant 19’ Ladder. Which they call a 22’ ladder, because a guy standing on the highest safe rung can reach stuff 22 feet high. That’s insider ladder-industry info right there. It must be true because I read it on Wikileaks.

Anyway, its lightweight, portable aircraft-grade aluminum construction can hold up to 250 lbs. in any of five configurations: A-frame, staircase, 90-degree, extension, and scaffold. This ladder salesman, Hal Wing, had to take the Little Giant to the airwaves because the traditional avenues of ladder distribution simply could not bear the load of its awesomeness.

I love my Little Giant so much, I mounted my TV from the ceiling so I have to climb the ladder to get a good look at it. Every time I turn the set on, it’s like I’m hanging with my bro Hal. Speaking of which, what time is it? Alissa and Julie face off in the Bikinidrome tonight on the finale of Heavy Metal Housewives of Liposuction Island to see who gets to marry Hulk Hogan and Flavor Flav. I’ve missed so much great TV over the years, no way I’m missing that one.

Back to top