Sometimes it’s a lot of fun to read the specs. This is one of those times.

Once upon a time, in the days before democracy, there was an Emperor. And this Emperor had a lot of money, because in the days before democracy, there were no local representatives who had a friend that ran a construction company. There was only the Emperor, and an Emperor had no friends.

What the Emperor did have was a whole room full of blind guys. Because, in the days before democracy, there was no one to speak for the rights of the differently-abled. So when a blind guy showed up in town, the locals just took him up to the Emperor’s place, and shoved him in the room. Hey, don’t get mad at us, this is a really old story, we didn’t make it up ourselves.

Anyway, one day the Emperor woke up and said “Bring me eight of the blind guys.” His guards went off and got eight blind guys out of the room and brought them to the Emperor. The Emperor held out a two pack of the 90° Horizontal and Vertical Laser Levels and said “Blind guys, describe this to me.”

The first blind guy said “Oh! It’s got some sort of magnetic base, but it’s shaped like Pac-Man!”

The second blind guy said “I found the battery door, it takes 2 AAA Batteries, which are not included.”

The third blind guy said “It seems to allow you to adjust it to any surface.”

The fourth blind guy said “I see the laser goes both horizontal and vertical!” and then there was a little discussion about who put a guy who could see in the blind guy room and finally the fourth guy was allowed to leave and one of the guards was fired for incompetence.

The fifth blind guy said “There are two levels and two bases!”

The sixth blind guy said nothing, because he was also a deaf-mute, and this led the Emperor to ask his advisor to make a note that they had to consider adding additional rooms for other differently-abled citizens so that this sort of thing wouldn’t happen.

The seventh blind guy yelled “VIVA LA RESISTANCE!” and shined the 2 pack of 90° Horizontal and Vertical Laser Levels right into the Emperor’s eyes. Suddenly, the Emperor could not see. He felt his heart sink, and became aware at the horrible way he had treated those who trusted him. He resolved to be a better Emperor, and to help his people, regardless of race, color, status, creed or social standing.

Sadly, before Emperor could say anything about his sudden change of heart, the eighth guy jumped across the room and beat the crap out of him. For the eighth guy had trained for years in a very specific form of non-sighted Kung Fu, and now wanted revenge for being locked in that room for so long. Before any of the guards could move, the Emperor collapsed, dead from the relentless blows of the eighth guy, and died.

Now, the Emperor’s body had fallen right on top of the beloved two pack of 90° Horizontal and Vertical Laser Levels. Everyone in the palace wanted to move the body, but no one could agree on how to move it or where the body should be placed after it was moved. And because everybody disagreed, that very day, democracy was born.

So that, children, is why you shouldn’t dabble in the Eastern Religions. You don’t see any kung-fu Calvinists, do you? And when was the last time you saw a ninja from the Church of England?

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