I am beset by hazards. Many are those who harbor secret vendettas against me, and devious are their designs. Hard-earned is my trust, and backward is my sentence construction. That’s just how I am.

I sleep flat on my back for two reasons: First, this position keeps both my ears open to noises in the compound, so I can pinpoint their location. Second, it allows me to monitor the precise time, projected on the ceiling by my LaCrosse alarm clock and weather station.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking it’s foolhardy of me to rely on an electric alarm clock. The power could fail. You’re also scheming to steal my bearer bonds; I can tell. Well, this alarm clock runs on both AC juice from the outlet and AA batteries, so that’s my backup system. And my bonds are hidden so cleverly you couldn’t find them if you had all day to look. Which you wouldn’t, because my guard dogs would run you down and tear you to shreds.

I’m the only biped they tolerate. Why? Because I’ve subjected myself to an intensive pheremonal conditioning program. Yes, you noticed that as I approached, didn’t you? Well, no one ever said personal security would smell good.

Incidentally, the weather station component of this alarm clock provides me with real-time indoor and outdoor temperature readings. Those data are critical if I’m to run successfully counter-surveillance against my enemies’ thermal imaging scans. It also tells me the indoor humidity, which… Well, I don’t know what that’s for, honestly. Maybe storing cigars or something.

The LaCrosse alarm clock and weather station gives me WWVB radio-controlled time readings, so I know I can trust what it says. And I don’t give my trust away hither and thither like some cheap trust-hussy. No, on the contrary; it’s my deeply ingrained scruples and congenitally suspicious mind that have gotten me where I am today.

But listen to me carry on! I must be the yammeringest blind date you’ve been set up with in forever! So tell me about your job. Finance, that must be interesting.

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