Oh, cruel irony! Thy name is Lobster Man!

What a horrible twist of fate! For so many years I’ve cursed these claws nature so cruelly gave me in place of hands. I’ve endured the torment of classmates, “friends,” and family members alike. They called me names. They recoiled in terror. I’ve lived alone for so long I’ve come to grips with what I am, with who I am. But one thing still eludes me: jars.

My twisted, gnarled, chitinous extremities lack the dexterity to open jars and bottles alike. But my hopes were buoyed upon learning of this Kuhn Rikon Can Opener and Jar Set! Finally, I could have pickles!

But no, it was not to be. For in a cruel twist of fate, my clumsy claws are unable even to manipulate the ergonomic grip and side turn knob. They say it could even open a stuck nail polish bottle, but why would I need nail polish?

No, you may enjoy these openers, but such is the life of a Lobster Man that I cannot. Care to spare a pickle?

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