It might not be the biggest gift at the party, but it still says “thank you for being a friend.”

Ma, I’m 54 years old. I think I can be trusted to choose my own camera.

“Let me tell you a story, Pussycat. Picture it: Sicily. 1919. The village baker, Calogero, ran the only bakery in town for decades, until one day Tommaso, the village barrel maker, came home to find his wife in bed with Calogero. Now Tommaso doesn’t fly into a rage like most Sicilian men. Some say it’s because his father was a quarter Sardinian, but his nose always looked Corsican to me.”

Ma, what does this have to do with what camera I buy?

“I’m getting to that. So this barrel-maker Tommaso is a patient man, a methodical man. He starts following Calogero around. Everywhere. All the time. When Calogero steps out of his door in the morning, there’s Tommaso. When he goes to the sawmill to buy sawdust to put in his bread, there’s Tommaso. When he goes to the public baths for a sweat, Tommaso’s right there in his own towel. Calogero can’t escape him. And always, always, Tommaso’s carrying a Kodak Easyshare 14MP Digital Camera, snapping away with that 5x optical zoom.”

Oh, why do I listen to you? You’re obviously making this up!

“Every word is the truth, may God strike me down with one of your calzones. Then one morning, Calogero peers out his front door – no Tommaso. On his walk through the streets – no Tommaso. Calogero’s heart leaps. The nightmare’s finally over. Then he gets to the village square and almost dies. Every surface is covered with huge photos of Calogero at his worst. Drunk, picking his nose, sneaking a look at his own mother-in-law’s backside. Every embarrassing thing a man might do, Tommaso captured it all, in 14 lifelike megapixels. Of course, Calogero is ruined. Nobody in the village will ever take him seriously again. And as for sleeping with any more women, forget about it.”

What did he do then, Ma? Invent face recognition technology?

“No, he shot Tommaso dead with a revolver. Then he fled to the big city, changed his name, found a new line of work… today we know that man as Mario Lanza.”

You’re wasting my time, old woman.

“The point is, pussycat, there’s such a thing as being able to see so much. Before you invest in all those megapixels, ask yourself: aren’t some details better left a little blurry?”

Oh, Ma. I know your heart’s in the right place. I could always count on you to bear the burdens that are too heavy for me to shoulder.

“Are you kidding me? With shoulders like yours? You’re the Italian Lawrence Taylor.”

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