You pampered kids today, I swear to God. You have no idea how easy you have it. In my day, we didn’t have all these fancy full-color monitors and MP3s and IMs and wireless networks. We measured our connection speed in baud, not ma-bips, whatever they are. If monochrome was good enough for IBM, by God, it was good enough for us. You better believe, if we ever burned a CD in those days, the house would fill with noxious fumes and our parents would ground us from logging onto our favorite BBSes.

I tell you, anyone in my computer club would have strangled a squirrel with our bare hands for something like the Optical Wireless USB Mouse. We were lucky if our mice had one button, and here these numbskulls are running around two buttons and a scroll wheel! No wonder they say the Internet’s such a dangerous place.

But that ain’t the half of it. It’s wireless – meaning, you got it, no wires – and optical, so there’s no mouse ball to get all gunked up with hair, dead skin cells, and Frito crumbs. Where’s the fun in that? They call it “Quick RF wireless technology” and “DiamondEye optical technology,” but I call it “computing for poseurs.” Do these young turds today deserve that kind of smooth movement and precise control? Like hell they do!

And let’s not even get started on the music these days. Gnarls Barkley? You gotta be kidding me! Who is that, one of those puppets off Sesame Street? Now, the Fixx…Level 42…Talk Talk…that was some real music, sonny!