I’ve been a piece of celery for fifteen years, I ain’t never seen anything like this.

Anybody got a report? Any witnesses? Great, thanks. Think you can get me some coffee, too? Hmm, let’s see… a woman in 4B heard the crisp snaps, we’ll need to bring her down to the station as soon as we can, get that statement while it’s fresh. And it was a garbageman who found the pieces? How’s he taking it? Be sure to tell him some therapy’s available if he needs it. After this, I might take a little myself.

So is this the pair? The Kai Tan Ren 2-Piece Knife Set? Well, don’t you boys look classy. Think you’re hard, huh? Think your Rockwell hardness of 58 is enough to take me? Think that just because you’ve got ambidextrous handles you’re all that? Let me tell you, fellas, I’m the kind of celery that uses little bits of your hardened Japanese steel for fiber! Your label may say you’re perfectly balanced, but I know for a fact that you guys are nutcases. Why not cut a deal and do your time in the loony bin? Why not save us all some work and confess? If you tell me now, maybe we can work something out. But once Forensics comes back with a report on that 16 degree cutting angle… what’s that, partner? You found an apple? The GOVERNOR’S apple?

Sorry, boys. Looks like the deals off the table.

Back to top