Leave it to This Cleaver

As my crazy Uncle Hank with the creepy preoccupation with “military history” always says, there’s nothing like a well-made knife. And while he’s usually talking about authentic, battle-tested antique collectibles (“lookit this bayonet here, son! Y’kin still see the blood of the hun on this’un!”), it’s even truer in the kitchen.

When the day comes that you’ve got to separate a cow’s leg at the joint—and that day will come, mark our words—you don’t want to be chipping at it with some dull, flimsy piece of low-grade mystery metal. You’ll want to be wielding an all-business, thoroughbred meat cleaver like this Ken Onion seven-incher—the first Ken Onion cleaver Woot’s sold, if memory serves.

I put mine to use preparing a stew for last week’s dinner—a monthly date I have with Uncle Hank. It was a disaster, if you must know. Not the stew, the event. No fault of the cleaver.

It’s just that Hank didn’t care in the least about my efforts to improve my culinary skills. All he wanted to talk about was my new Shun Ken Onion set of four blades. His fascination with the cleaver, in particular, was disturbing.

But he was also into the nine-inch multi-purpose serrated slicer, which I was foolishly using on baguettes before Uncle Henry explained it would be even better for “bleeding out the enemy.” Gruesome.

There’s also a ten-inch chef’s knife, which I didn’t even want to show Uncle Hank for fear he’d challenge me to mumblety-peg again. Yes, indoors.

Finally, we admired my new five-inch serrated utility blade, which I use on small fruits and vegetables on a cutting board I just got, but which Uncle Hank suggests would slip discreetly into my boot, where I’d have it ready at all times in case I get jumped. (Never mind that I wear Converse.) He also recommended I pick up some high-end steak knives to wear inside my jacket. Ooookay.

I guess I can see why a blade man like Hank would be interested in these Ken Onion knives. They’re made with exotic hardened VG-10 steel for an edge that’s as sharp as Ke$ha with her AutoTune turned off. They’re clad with a true Damascus nickel alloy and stainless steel combo for the benefits of three metals in one. Plus their handles are ambidextrous. So you can swing both ways. If you know what we mean.

Anyway, Hank didn’t care for the stew. Dietarily speaking, he’s strictly an MRE man. And conversation was as strained as always. But family’s family, you know?

I should probably be glad, actually, that we had the knives to talk about, or the whole evening’s conversation would have been about how meager my home defenses are, and how my level of disaster preparedness is woefully inadequate.

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