Hey, wallflower! Stop cursing your two left feet, cowering from strangers who ask you for a dance, and fleeing back to your filthy apartment to weep the night away in lonely squalor! You, too, can dance the Roomba! Bring the erotic Cuban rhythms, three-stage cleaning system, and bagless debris bin of the Roomba to your living room, dining room, or ballroom by following these simple instructions:

1. Crouch opposite your partner.

2. Place your right or left index finger on your partner’s “Power” button. Press.

3. Place your right or left index finger on your partner’s “Clean” button. (Advanced students may wish to choose the “Spot” or “Max” button, depending on the dancer’s skill level and how dirty the floors are.) Press.

4. Have a seat. Your partner will take it from here, ranging far and wide over your home with over 67 behavior adjustments per second. Now that’s dancing!

Don’t worry too much about what music to play. The Roomba goes well with just about any kind of beat, since you won’t be able to hear the music over its mechanical drone.

Once you’ve mastered those steps, how about spicing things up by mixing in some scheduling moves? You can program your Roomba to clean at up to 7 different times a week. If you enjoy the challenge of limiting its cleaning to specific areas, you can program the virtual wall to come on at the appropriate times. And the bagless debris bin is a snap to empty, no matter how many mojitos you’ve had.

Just do what feels right and you can’t go wrong, assuming you’re reasonably sane! Millions have discovered the sensual, sanitary joys of this spicy robotic dance – now it’s your turn to dance the Roomba!

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