This Roomba can’t clean up your academic record, unless…

Class: Advanced Robotics with Dr. Glenwild

Student: Michael Schaefer

Grade: A-

Evaluation: Michael is a very talented student, perhaps the most advanced here at the Gilchrist School of Robotic Engineering. That being said, the reason that Michael did not receive an A+ was because his robots often lacked practicality. In fact, many of the robots he designed seemed to be nothing more than technologically-complex metaphors for his dissatisfaction with the various people at the school.

For instance, after a frustrating argument about the nature of electrical currents in a different class with Dr. Fender, Michael came into class and built a robot that he named after my esteemed colleague. The device appeared to serve no purpose at all except, as Michael displayed in the Outdoor Testing Environment, to dig itself into a deeper and deeper hole. When I reprimanded him, he built another robot, this one named after me. It seemed somewhat useful at first; on four legs, it would roam a person’s yard searching and picking up dog waste. It had only picked up one such piece of the foul substance, however, when it short circuited. I thought it was some sort of mistake on Michael’s part, but he claimed its breakdown was intentional, saying that he wanted “Dr. Glenwild” to (in more harsh, colorful words than these) “consume excrement and then cease to be alive.”

Michael was able to redeem himself, though, when he introduced his next robot. A free-wheeling vacuum robot designed (as Michael put it) to “be stuck forever hopelessly eating his dust,” he had originally called it “Imbecile Classmate,” but I’m currently been trying to convince him to change the name to “Roomba” for marketability. It really is quite the machine, effortlessly picking up dirt, debris, pet hair, and allergens, and depositing it all into a large bag-less bin. It can even detect sections of the floor that need more attention than others, and it automatically avoids drop-offs such as stairs and any other areas deemed off-limits. Michael said these features were meant to show that “Imbecile Classmate” only focuses on the most obvious things and avoids challenge due to a deep fear of failure, but it really is quite useful for cleaning as well.

I think Michael may be onto something with this robot; at the very least, it helped him bring his grade in the course up. I wish him the best in his future classes and beyond, or maybe I wish him the worst, as that seems to provide more inspiration.

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