Luis, my son. Put down your Cervantes and come here. Come and sit beside your father, Luis. Here, I have a child size cigar, just for you.

Ah, Luis, my son. How many summers has it been since your birth? Four? Five? And now, despite what your mother says, you are almost a man. A man who is ready to learn the secrets that have been handed down in my family for hundreds of years. My father taught to me when I was your age, so I will now teach you. My son, it is time to begin your training as… El Matador.

No, no, wait, my son, wait! Are you insane? You can’t just jump right in there where the bulls are! Padre De Dios! Pick up that cigar and sit down! Luis, you must understand, to be a matador takes much training. A bull, it is like a beautiful woman: it wants nothing to do with a guy like you. That is why you must practice, my son. Here, start with this iRobot Roomba 415. It’s not only a robot vacuum that is much loved by customers worldwide. It’s also a training tool.

Do not look so sad, Luis. As I have said, the iRobot Roomba 415 is a tool. A man’s tool, no? For this device, it is a device that can travel under its own power and make decisions, just as a bull in the ring makes the decisions you must prepare for. See, my son, see how the iRobot Roomba 415 avoids the stairs all by itself? See how it can detect dirtier areas and automatically increase cleaning intensity when it finds them? See how it totally troubles the cat? For a cat is like a beautiful woman: it will sit quietly and then just suddenly freak out for no reason and run out of the room and never tell you why no matter how many times you ask. But never forget, my son. The iRobot Roomba 415 is no cat. It is cold and logical. Like death, my son. Like death.

Nevertheless, you must not be afraid of the iRobot Roomba 415. You must instead respect it, and master it, as I mastered it, and as did your grandfather before me, and his grandfather before him. Here, take these two virtual walls, they will begin your training. Once in place, they will allow you to isolate the iRobot Roomba 415 to a specific area, like the arena. As the iRobot Roomba 415 moves to follow the dirt, so you will begin to learn the path of the matador. When to step left and avoid the edge-cleaning side brush. When to step right and let the iRobot Roomba 415 pass under the bed. My son, a path is like a beautiful woman: it only appreciates those who walk all over it.

One day, Luis. One day you will be in the arena facing down the most powerful of bulls, and with ease, thanks to the training you will receive. Go, now, and take another cigar too. Let the iRobot Roomba 415 teach you what it is to be a man. I’ll be back to check on you a little later, but right now I’ve got a meeting with my therapist. Apparently he thinks I have issues with beautiful women. What does he know, eh, my son? Eh?

Also let’s keep this a secret between us. Because these lessons are like a beautiful woman: if your mother finds out, she’ll kill me.

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