What medical problem was I enduring? Why was I on the roof? What was Sen. Robert Menendez (R-New Jersey) doing there? And why was he crying? I’ve already told the judge and the jury the answers to all those questions. Consult the transcripts if you really need to know.

The important thing is, when I really needed it, the iRobot Looj Gutter-Cleaning Robot was there for me. Spinning at 500 RPM, the three-stage auger tunneled through all the filth in my gutter, both natural and man-made. Thanks to the wireless remote, it responded obediently to my commands – a characteristic I demand in all of my associates. Fortunately, my gutters are more than 3-1/4” wide and 2-1/4” high, allowing the Looj ample clearance to do its clearance. In minutes, my gutters were flowing free and easy. And I never had to climb on a ladder or put on rubber gloves.

I mean, yeah, I wear rubber gloves all the time anyway. But that’s just me.

Even as America slides into anarchy and panic, a citizen still has certain rights. The right to perform his own dental work without a license. The right to refuse to identify the species of the meat in his freezer. The right to deploy guard wasps to defend his property. And the right to effortlessly clean gutters. Thanks to the iRobot Looj, I’m one step closer to fully realizing those rights. The only way it could be any better is if it knew how to train wasps.

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