We can tell what you’re wondering: how does the iRiver H10 5GB MP3 Player compare to other rivers around the world? Tape this handy guide to the control panel of your tugboat for future reference.

Amazon River: well, at 5GB this isn’t the largest iRiver by volume. But that just means there’s no room for man-eating piranhas, or that pesky urethra stowaway known as the candiru.

River Seine: it may lack the majesty of the great Parisian river, but the iRiver H10’s name is easier to pronounce correctly.

Whiskey River: unlike Willie Nelson’s mythic liquorway, the iRiver H10 actually exists. But either one can “bathe your mem’ried mind in the wetness of its soul.”

Tigris & Euphrates Rivers: if you commit yourself to the iRiver H10 and it turns out to be a disaster, the exit strategy is simple: just turn it off.

Mississippi River: while this iRiver H10 is gray instead of muddy brown, it’s a perfect way to enjoy the musical legacy of America’s “river of song”, from yesterday’s Scott Joplins and Louis Armstrongs and Otis Reddings to today’s, uh, Nellies, maybe?

Cuyahoga River: if you pump enough industrial waste into the iRiver H10, it will catch on fire.

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