OK, here we go. Just wait ‘til I digitize all these great thrift-store LPs! It’ll be awesome!

Which one should I start with? Folk Dances of Connecticut? The Intimate Piano of Jerry Mathers? Modern Typing Exercises? “Hold My Hand” And Other Smash Hits From England by The Fab Moptops? From caricatured ethnic music to knockoffs of the pop hits of the day, I’ve got a stack of weird hot wax just waiting to be digitized. You’re never gonna find this stuff on CD, believe me.

To find audio esoterica this esoteric, you have to either flip through the vinyl bins at Goodwill or check out my new mp3 blog once I’ve run these discs through my Ion PROFILE USB Turntable. It’s never been easier to turn LPs into MP3s, thanks to the included conversion software. The high-quality tonearm and built-in preamp ensure that I’ll be able to share every bizarre note, every authentic crackle and pop, with my blog visitors.

OK, so you have to convert the records in real time. And you kinda have to babysit the turntable to tell it when the breaks between tracks are and whatnot. But hey, I bought these records to listen to! This is just an excuse to listen to them!

Now, then, what first? Danish for Business Travelers looks pretty sweet. Here we go! It’s recording! This is so cool! Yeah. Huh. This record is kinda boring, actually. I mean, it’s cool how it sounds like Viking accountants but the very first record I digitize should be something special.

Ooh, I’ve got it: Bassoon Monsoon: Polynesian Woodwind Favorites! Let’s get this one spinning here. There ain’t no party like a Bassoon Monsoon party, ‘cuz a Bassoon Monsoon party don’t- ewww. That’s what this record sounds like? I’m gonna put it in the “maybe later” pile.

OK, this’s gotta be the one: It’s Sell-ementary!, a collection of upbeat capitalist anthems distributed only at the 1973 Amway International Convention. I’m dropping the needle on track one right now, so get ready for “Everything’s Coming Up Free Enterprise”!

...Ugh. Those syrupy harmonies. Those vapid smiles. That strident ideology. It’s like Lawrence Welk and Ayn Rand had dodecatuplets and dressed them in matching red, white, and blue sweater vests. Turn it off, God, turn it off. You know, I think I’ve had enough fun with my Ion USB Turntable for one day. Anybody seen my iPod?

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