If you’re reading this, you might be guilty of stealing our content. Please cover your eyes and give us some money.

To: All Department Heads
From: Woot HQ

It’s come to our attention that a great many people are here each day, enjoying our writeups and not actually paying for a single damn thing. In the past, we’ve considered these visitors as loss leaders. However, in these delicate times, our “little gifts of genius” (which is what we now call the writeups in lieu of giving the writers an actual raise) become low-hanging fruit, and we need a new mindset per the methodology. Our newly implemented paradigm gives us an opportunity to recontextualize our skill set until the synergy validates our transition and the peak optimization curve becomes a known good. We’ll be testing this new method alongside the sale of the Invicta 9212 Men’s Gold Plated Stainless Steel Speedway Watch.

We picked the Invicta 9212 Men’s Gold Plated Stainless Steel Speedway Watch as our go-to action item because it’s a really nice solid stainless steel chronograph. The 23 karat gold plating on gold tones will be stylish in almost any setting, and more than that, it’ll be useful. Water resistant to 200 meters, you’ll even be able to tell time in a flood. Additionally, we highly recommend every staffer purchase a Invicta 9212 Men’s Gold Plated Stainless Steel Speedway Watch, as we will no longer accept “caught in a flood” as an excuse for tardiness. Please make your department aware of this change immediately!

We have been assured that this new method will not affect day to day performance. We’ll be using a brand new DRM-style program that allows an owner total and complete control over all his or her content. And by owner, we mean all of us who work with the lawyers, not the actual content creators. I mean, we’re not a charity, right? If they don’t want to fork it over they can go sling burgers. Oh, but we’re pleased with the “little gifts of genius” as well. We’re doing this for you, our most valued members of the team!

Our new system operates as follows: a visitor to the site immediately has a clear and present decision tree. They can buy the Invicta 9212 Men’s Gold Plated Stainless Steel Speedway Watch and enjoy the Tritnite luminous hands and markers, naturally our ideal scenario, or they can walk away. Those who purchase the lovely Invicta 9212 Men’s Gold Plated Stainless Steel Speedway Watch will immediately see a fantastic writeup. Wow, you would not believe how good this writeup is. Our boys have worked on it for a month, in our opinion it’s easily the best thing they’ve ever done. We think anybody who sees this will just freak out! How could you miss it? And those who don’t purchase an Invicta 9212 Men’s Gold Plated Stainless Steel Speedway Watch will get to read this memo.

As the memo is a perfectly tolerable form of entertainment first invented by the Greeks, we feel that visitors will understand, and in fact come to quickly respect, our new structure. They can then feel free to enjoy the memo over and over again, for free, any time they like. However, if they want to see the actual writeup, they’ll have to buy an Invicta 9212 Men’s Gold Plated Stainless Steel Speedway Watch.

Of course, on the first day of the test, we are expecting a few issues. Obviously one or two people will buy the Invicta 9212 Men’s Gold Plated Stainless Steel Speedway Watch and then rush back to read the… wow, you really won’t believe how good this writeup is. How did they come up with those ideas? This is like the sixth time I’ve read it and it keeps getting funnier and- anyway, one or two people will maybe get caught in a tiny little bug we already totally know about and they’ll only see this memo even though they’ve already bought the watch. Crap happens. But for most people… wow, they’ll be so amazed that they’ll run and tell everyone on the forums how great the real writeup is, and all those people will have to buy watches, and soon, the whole world’s got an Invicta 9212 Men’s Gold Plated Stainless Steel Speedway Watch and our content is safe, except for those who’ve actually paid.

Assuming our new system works, the age of free information will finally be over. After we touch base in the post-survey validation period on Monday, we’ll likely be able to set the exploratory task force to work at sending out feelers to find those bold pioneers who, like us, understand that each thing you give away is a thing you can’t sell. We’re sure that, just like the Associated Press, our new direction will only serve to cement our reputation as an online leader that people can trust when they want content that they can’t ever tell anyone else about under any circumstance.

And most importantly, at the end of the day, it’ll conceptualize our accountability benchmarks towards a globalized cross-platform monetization-enabled knowledge-base. Really, isn’t that our target market anyway?

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