John Q. Consumer: Wha…where am I? How long have I been asleep? Why am I strapped into this chair?

Disembodied Voice: Quiet! We’ll be the ones asking the questions!

John Q. Consumer: Darnell? Is that you?

Disembodied Voice: What? No, no, that’s not my name. I’m not Darnell. Never mind who I -

John Q. Consumer: Sorry, you just sounded like this guy I used to know. Are you sure -

Disembodied Voice: Enough! You have been brought here to make a crucial choice, one that will affect your computing future in ways you cannot imagine. Choose unwisely, and your fate will be sealed. Are you prepared?

John Q. Consumer: Yeah. I mean, I guess. Wait, what am I doing now?

Disembodied Voice: You must choose between two different options, each of which I will now explain to you. Choice the first: a powerful Media Center PC, complete with a built-in TV tuner; personal video recorder (PVR) capability; 7.1-channel audio; a 16x Dual Layer LightScribe DVD+/-R/RW burner; composite video, S-Video, digital audio, and analog audio inputs; and Windows XP Media Center Edition 2005. With this awesome Media Center computer, you can watch, record, and timeshift your favorite programming, no matter how inane this programming may be. The massive 320GB hard drive can hold up to 185 hours of video captured by the PVR function. And this is only one of its many robust multimedia features!

John Q. Consumer: I think I like this one. What was the other choice again?

Disembodied Voice: I haven’t gotten to the other choice yet! I’m about to, right now!

John Q. Consumer: Go ahead, then.

Disembodied Voice: I will! Choice the second: a versatile, feature-rich desktop PC, great for everyday home use, web browsing, whatever. It features 2GB DDR2 memory, a 320 GB SATA 3G 7200 RPM hard drive, a 10/100 Ethernet port, a 9-in-1 media card reader, 6 USB 2.0 ports, and 2 FireWire ports. Now you must choose!

John Q. Consumer: Hmm. I dunno. What kind of video card we talking about on choice #2?

Disembodied Voice: Uh, it’s not important. Just, you know, a regular video card.

John Q. Consumer: What kind?

Disembodied Voice: What kind of video card? It’s got, let’s see, it’s a…Nvidia GeForce 6150LE.

John Q. Consumer: Whaaat? That was low-end, like, two generations ago! What games can I play with that? Minesweeper?

Disembodied Voice: It’s not that bad. And there’s a PCI-E slot if you want to upgrade the card.

John Q. Consumer: “If”? More like “when”!

Disembodied Voice: Anyway, back to the matter at hand! Your choice is…?

John Q. Consumer: Well, I think I’ll take both, because they’re both the same system: the HP Pavilion TV M7560N.

Disembodied Voice: Er, that’s, uh, impossible! No computer could possibly -

John Q. Consumer: Save it, Darnell. The M7560N’s dual-core 2.2 GHz AMD Athlon 64 X2 4200+ processor can record my judge shows and calculate my spreadsheets at the same time without missing a digit.

Disembodied Voice: I told you, I’m not Darnell!

John Q. Consumer: Whoever you are, I’ve figured this out. You thought you could torment me by forcing me choose between two awesome systems, only to reveal that the choice was illusory all along, thus undermining my belief in free will and the objective nature of reality. The only question is, why?

Disembodied Voice: Your girlfriend hired me to find out what you wanted for your birthday.

John Q. Consumer: This was her idea? The abduction, the straps, the interrogation lights?

Disembodied Voice: No, that was all me. Hey, at least you get an HP Pavilion TV M7560N Media Center Desktop PC out of all this. I’m only getting paid seventy-five bucks – I gotta get my kicks where I can.

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