Vlah! It is I! The fiendish Dracinstein! A man made by man and bitten by bat to become a golem-like vampire cursed to forever walk the Earth!

And today, on Halloween, is the only day that I can actually go out of the house. Well, by day, I mean after sunset. It’s really a pretty busy evening for me, doing all my grocery shopping for the year, meeting with the landlord about rent, maybe catching a show if there’s time. But most especially, I try to hit every costume contest that gives away a cash prize. Because it’s that money which will keep me going for the rest of the year. Do you know how hard it is to find a job you can do from home after sunset that doesn’t include the word “blogger” in the title?

It’s sad that, as a Dracinstein, I can’t be photographed. Thankfully, modern technology lets me get around that. With my Hammacher Schlemmer Photograph Converter, I’m able to make a digital copy of any non-glossy picture, fast and easy. I’ve got exposure control, color balance, 10 bits per color channel and a 5 MP CMOS scanner inside. It’s basically taking a picture of a picture! And there’s no rule that I can’t have a picture of my picture taken, is there? No, there’s not. I looked it up.

So for the other 364 days of the year, I stay hidden in my mansion, trying very hard to convince the delivery place not to put any garlic whatsoever in my Pad Thai, and converting lots of old pictures with my Hammacher Schlemmer Photograph Converter. Then I draw myself in with a magic marker. I’ve actually gotten quite good over the years, some people say I could do portraits. But you know the art world, it’s really all about who you know. Oh, I’m getting off the subject here, after I draw myself in, I take another picture, and poof! It’s like I was really there! It’s a Dracinstein’s dream!

Naturally, you mere mortals might use it to archive old hand-me-down pictures of great-grandparents, or maybe digitize special photos that you want to keep. It could even be a great family project. But for a Dracinstein like me, it’s really just a great way to kill a little time between Halloweens. Hey, if you’re ever in the neighborhood, could you maybe knock on the door? I really want someone to play iPhone Monopoly with. I’ve got the Bluetooth all set up, you won’t even need to come in. And if you do, you have my word that when my rampaging fury is unleashed, I’ll certainly kill you last. Vlah. Vlah vlah.

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