My current Internet-dating photo isn’t exactly driving the ladies wild. Time to bust out the classics.

Why not show the chicks myself at my best, you know? These old slides capture the dashing, Selleckesque, Brolinian free spirit I was from approximately 1975 to 1982. I could never get away with wearing shorts that short today – but boy, did I rock them hard in the Carter years.

Like an amorous time machine, the Hammacher Schlemmer Digital Film & Slide Converter will restore my lost youth and vitality for the benefit of the female population of the greater quin-state area. The USB connection and automatic exposure control and color balance make it easy to conjure up the hi-res ghosts of my romantic past. Sure, the ladies might be repelled for a minute when they see I’ve added a few pounds, and lost some hair, and then added a bunch more pounds. But that’s when I close the deal with my fascinating conversation and irresistible personality, proving to them that I’m still that slim Lothario on the inside. Not every guy can order from a French restaurant menu in flawless, impeccable Polish.

Hey, it’s the same continent, at least.

Good thing for me stupid mustaches are in again. For some reason, a tuft on the lip is considered hip while the exact same tuft growing out of your ears is considered nauseating. I swear, I’ll never understand women.

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