A Garrity A300G Aluminum Precision Machined Flashlight can help you shed light on the dark secrets of the world. And like all secrets, power is included.

“Honey, why are we hiding in the dar-”

“SSSHHHHHHH! CROUCH DOWN!!”

“Fine. Why are we crouching in the dar-”

“SSSHHHHHHHHH!!”

“Oh, for heaven’s sake. Richard, it’s just a blackout.”

“It’s not a blackout Desirée. It’s the Aluminumauti. They’re toying with us.”

“Richard, that’s it. First thing tomorrow, I’m throwing away all of your Grant Morrison books.”

“Desirée! What’s that in your hand?”

“This? This is a flashlight, Richard. Because of the blackout.”

“That’s not a flashlight, Desirée! That’s a Garrity A300G Aluminum Precision Machined Flashlight!”

“Which is exactly what I said, Richard. A flashlight.”

“Aluminum, Desirée! Don’t you see? How did it get here?”

“It’s-”

“SSSSHHHHHHH!”

“No, I won’t SSSSHHHHH! Richard! The Garrity A300G Aluminum Precision Machined Flashlight is a little over six inches long and about an inch in diameter so you probably just didn’t notice it before. Honestly. Honestly!”

“Desirée, you have to understand. This world is controlled by a secret society that exists only to push aluminum onto all of us. Ladders, trays, foil, it’s all like a house of dominoes waiting to fall.”

“Cards, Richard. Houses are made from cards.”

“That’s what ‘they’ want you to believe.”

“Richard, just calm down, okay? I bought this Garrity A300G Aluminum Precision Machined Flashlight because it came with a belt holder and two AA batteries. There’s even a spare bulb in the bottom of the flashlight itself. It’s not some conspiracy.”

“You don’t know, Desirée! Listen, why do you think the Mona Lisa is smiling? Why do you think there was never a World War II? There’s a hundred years missing from the calendar, Desirée, and no one can explain why! This metal can control minds, Desirée! The Aluminumauti are trying to take you from me!”

“Richard, I want you to listen to me very carefully. If you say another word about any of these crazy ideas, I’m going to hit you with my Garrity A300G Aluminum Precision Machined Flashlight. Is that clear?”

“Desirée, can’t you see? That flashlight has taken over your mind! Come back to me, Desirée, come back to me before it’s too late. Aaaa! Flash grenades! Take cover!”

“Oh, thank God. The power’s back on.”

“Yes, they must be preparing to strike. We’ve got to… Desirée? Where are you going?”

“Just where I said, Richard. To throw out all those comics.”

“Desirée, you can’t be serious. Desirée, wait. I know this is just the mind control beams causing you to- wait, wait, that’s mint condition, never been opened! Don’t touch it without washing your hands!”

“Take a good look at this one, Richard. Tell me what you see here. Go on, tell me.”

“It’s… it’s…”

“It’s a foil cover, Richard. Foil. In your collection. What do you think about that? Doesn’t that change things? Doesn’t that make you think?”

“Desirée… my angel… you knew it was there… but you gave up your Aluminumauti masters… just to save me… the man you were sent to eliminate… but have grown to love!”

“Oh. My. God. Richard! Have you gone insane?”

“Don’t worry, Desirée. We’ll find a place the Aluminumauti can’t reach us. I don’t care how hard they try to find you. You’ll be safe with me.”

“Richard, I’m going to take the Garrity A300G Aluminum Precision Machined Flashlight and go for a walk. When I calm down, maybe we can talk.”

“Good, Desirée, good. It’s best you keep to your pre-arranged check-ins for now. I’ll stay here and plan our escape. Oh, can you bring me back a pint of Maple Fudge Chip ice cream? Desirée? Hmm. I guess she didn’t hear me.”

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